


Please call it love - or I will die.

by LovingYouThatWay



Series: You could call it love. [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Bang Chan is Whipped, Bottom Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Boys In Love, Death Threats, Felix has stress issues, Felix might or might not give Chan what he wants in this fic xD, Husbands, M/M, Mafia AU, Minho has point of view here, Past Drug Addiction, Past Drug Use, Smut, Tattoos, Top Bang Chan, Torture, Two Years Later
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-21
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2020-10-25 11:31:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 33,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20723504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LovingYouThatWay/pseuds/LovingYouThatWay
Summary: Felix can love. He doesn't want to love, he doesn't need love, but he ends up getting everything that he never wanted.It's been two years since the greatest hitman flew out of the underground and got the most beautiful and deadly dude in the city. Lee Felix, who didn’t even want to have his surname. The same guy, who didn’t manage to make Chan get his surname as well.Chan is done with his drug addiction and Felix is a medical student now.They know that danger hides behind the corner and Felix would do everything to keep Chan safe.Everything is okay until Felix starts getting threatening letters that he keeps away from Chan....





	1. You love me, don't you?

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again! This is the sequel to You could call it love - I'd rather die.  
Everyone who wants to know what happens to our crazy couple - start reading here xDD  
Have fun <3

It was always weird whenever Chan looked down at his hands and noticed the ring. 

A golden one, one of a kind, wearing Felix’s weird message for him that Chan still couldn’t understand. 

He tried asking, many times. But Felix had always called him stupid and let him discover the meaning behind those few letters on the inner side of Chan’s wedding ring. 

_ C’est lui que mon coeur a choisi. _

  
  


It's been two years since the greatest hitman flew out of the underground and got the most beautiful and deadly dude in the city. Lee Felix, who didn’t even want to have his surname. The same guy, who didn’t manage to make Chan get his surname as well. 

So what proved their marriage actually was that piece of paper, their wedding rings and the house that they shared together. 

Not that he complained about it. Chan lived through hell because of Felix and he never missed an opportunity to remind him about all those months that he needed in a rehab clinic in order to get himself clean from the long usage of drugs. It was an ugly sight. 

Several times, Chan remembered asking Junsu to blow his head, slit his throat, break his neck and many other ideas of how to end his own suffering. 

But Felix was there, through all these days, promising Chan a better future when he was feeling like dying. 

At least Chan got clean, he didn’t die of course, but he had Changbin’s sorry ass in front of the door of his room every day because his friend was feeling guilty for giving him cocaine when he could just keep him on weed. 

At some point Felix hated Changbin, he didn’t let the guy approach Chan, but he couldn’t end their friendship as well, so at the end of the day Chan still had his buddy, he had his Felix, he had a clean body and healthy life. 

Well, that was before his sister’s wedding one year later where Chan couldn’t keep the blunt away from himself and just casually started smoking again. With a lame promise that it would be only weed. 

Chan was sure that Felix wanted to kill him, his nasty glares were always proving that, but he still hadn’t suck Chan’s dick in the time they were together, so their deal was broken. 

Did he tell Chan that he loves him? Still no. Was Chan sure that he does love him? He was. 

He didn’t need those lame words anyway because his tough life shaped him perfectly for an emotional wreck like Felix. But he was like bipolar sometimes, sharing thoughts how he wants to become a doctor, how he would apply to a med school, and in the next second he was selling weapons to some gangsters, he killed people instead of thinking about their life and Chan was often questioning that new desire of his to be a doctor. 

He never stopped Felix. He even went to that med school with him to sign up for the exam, which he took by the way, and a few months later, Felix was already studying in med school while his beloved man was still being himself. 

Chan, the ghost boy, a killer from the underground who was keeping his quarters safe, killed people here and there, dealt with broken diplomacy, betrayals and all kinds of underground crap. Keeping hookers safe was one of his favorite ‘night shifts’. The girls were doing their job while Chan was texting Felix all night, cutting in on his studying sessions with lovely messages that freaked out the boy. 

Did they change? Maybe, but not for each other. Chan had a feeling that he still had a lot to learn about Felix and he was sure that the other felt the same way. 

The only thing that somehow changed, was Felix’s fashion taste. 

He got rid of the suits, the fancy clothes and he suddenly started looking several years younger than he actually was. 

Which was turning Chan on, whose need to get in his boy’s pants never died. 

The day was Monday and Chan was off duty because of Changbin, who told him to just go and spend some time with Felix. Of course, he didn’t really do that as he first went to a short boxing training, since he always feared to lose his shape and abilities and no matter Felix’s constant whining about his mma fights, sometimes Chan needed to be reckless and free. 

He cut his hand a few hours later after he showered in their home and decided that it was a good idea to make them lunch. Felix was still in his long-ass lectures while Chan was bored to death. The last message that he got from the other was two hours ago and he knew a way to trigger Felix’s worry. 

Chan took a photo of the cut on his palm and sent it to the poor pretty boy, attaching a text that was stating - ‘This really hurts, sweetie’. 

The reply came shortly after, getting in their house with a loud shutting of the door and rushed foot steps towards the kitchen. 

Chan smirked and stared carefully at the door when Felix appeared on the doorway, dressed in a nice black shirt, tucket in his nice blue jeans. 

“I’m jealous now,” Chan said, completely forgetting about his bleeding hand because it wasn’t really a big deal. He suddenly frowned at Felix and kept staring at him. “Do you have any guys at your group? No, scratch that…. Gay guys?”

Felix walked up to one of the drawers in the living room where they kept the first aid kit and took it before he quickly got back to Chan and pulled his hand to observe the cut. “It’s not as bad as you said it was, though…” He commented and then he looked up at his husband’s face. “You should worry about the girls. They are the ones who hit on me.” He smirked at Chan before he started taking out the things he would need.

“Please don’t perform some surgery now.” Chan made a lame joke while he was examining Felix’s face and staring at it was making him angry. He never thought that at some high point of his life, he would turn into a real freak but a part of Chan wanted to murder people, especially those who were trying to steal what was his. These bastards and bitches had no idea that Felix was wearing his ring, they had no idea that Felix was wearing his message on the inside of this wedding ring, they had no idea that this pretty soon to be a doctor here, was a killer himself. 

They also didn’t know how bad Felix was when it came to sucking dicks. Because he had never done that. 

“So tell me about your girls. What do they say when they see your wedding ring?” Chan asked nastily and smiled, but he wasn’t pleased at all.

Felix poured the peroxide on Chan’s cut and smirked expecting the other to squirm at the stingy feeling, but after that he was gentle when dabbing and cleaning the blood. “I don’t really know. You don’t let me hang out with anyone, you just keep me for yourself.” Felix said deep in thought. “Now we can put a band aid and you’re good to go.” He looked up at Chan again and smiled. “You know… none of them is as pretty as you… You don’t need to be jealous,cuz I like only you, ok?”

“I love you too, Felix.” Chan replied and sighed, thinking that he would probably need two more years until this boy here realized that his emotional connection with Chan wasn’t childish and he was actually in love with him. But he let him be stupid for now, because that way Felix was growing up naturally in front of him. He watched how the other put the bandage and did it so well that their family medic could go fuck himself very soon. 

Who could guess that these two tiny hands were so good at doing stuff like that… 

“You have a voicemail. On my phone by the way. It was Hyunjin, who told me to tell you that your connection is shit and he can’t call you when you are at the university. I share his opinion. How do I know that you’re not cheating on me?” Chan asked and raised an eyebrow, still messing around with the other, even if he seemed very unbothered. 

“Well, I thought you would know.” Felix sighed and pushed Chan until he fell on the couch. “Aren’t I always tight for you?” He smirked and straddled his husband which made him even more satisfied with the other’s surprise. Chan was always teasing him, but when Felix did something like this, which was rarely, that left Chan without words. 

“Smaller dick, maybe?” The other said, getting in the mood that Felix wanted to settle. His hands moved along his thighs and he wanted these jeans off, but he wasn’t that urgent to flip Felix over and take them off by himself. He looked up at his pretty face instead and all the jealousy flew out of the window when he stared at Felix’s deep eyes. 

“You know…” Felix started and put his small hands around Chan’s neck, to keep him still, as if he wasn’t staring at him already. “I worry about you. Even when you get a cut like this. It’s like I can’t even focus in class when you’re at “work”.” He knew that he was taking this in a completely different direction than where it was going at first, but he wanted to make sure Chan would try not to be as reckless. “You always talk about being jealous and shit, but I am terrified that something might happen to you… I really hate this…”

“Come on, i used to be your bodyguard.” Chan reminded him about how they started. About that time when Felix asked for him to take care of him and drop all of his duties. Chan’s dad agreed on that offer, but work was work. The quarter needed to get rid of the traitors and Chan preferred to kill the people who could do harm to his family. His new family as well. “I have eyes on my back. Don’t worry, i won’t try dying again.” He said with affection and moved his hands up, taking Felix’s face in his hands and brought it closer so he could finally steal the first kiss. The warm sensation of it made him smile and he let himself dream about this relationship. They could grow stronger together… they could fight whoever was against them and if Felix worried about him, then Chan would be extra cautious. “I’m the strongest, and the sexiest, don’t forget. Your medical loser friends can suck my dick.”

“No they can’t.” Felix whined and tried to wriggle out of Chan’s grip. “You’re so annoying… Why are you always mentioning your dick being sucked by various people... “

That finally made Chan laugh and he didn’t even hold back his amusement. “Because you don’t do that. I’m gonna throw a party on the day that it happens.” He said and didn’t let this little monster get away, but he managed to somehow tug out his shirt and slide his sneaky hands under it in order to feel his warm skin. “But you know, no matter how many people offer me a blow job, I won’t dare to accept. You’re deadly.”

Felix finally calmed down and blinked at Chan before he smiled happily. “You love me, don’t you?” 

“Yes.” He replied seriously and kept staring up at Felix, while his fingers crossed paths over his back, moving in soothing circles. “Do you?” He tried his luck and his curious eyes stopped blinking just because he didn’t want to miss the confusion that was always coming to Felix whenever he tried to provoke him with questions like that. “Don’t answer.”

“Why do you love me?” Felix asked instead. “Two years ago I was terrible to you and I still believe that I don’t deserve you, but I’m glad you are still willing to put up with my shit…” Felix blushed. It wasn’t a rare sight after they got married, because he became a lot more open to Chan and he started confessing things like this. It was still awkward for him, but he tried to express whatever emotion he was capable of explaining in order to show Chan that he wasn’t indifferent. 

“I have many reasons to love you.” Chan said and wanted to laugh again when he noticed that slight blush that showed up from under the beautiful layer of freckles. “First of all, you are the same freak as me when it comes to sex. We stared like that, right? Then I searched up your name and slowly realized how strong and beautiful you are. I know that you care about me because you wouldn’t stay barefoot in my hospital room while I was sleeping like a dick if you didn't. I don’t know, Felix, you just say and do things sometimes that really amaze me.”

“You aren’t tired of me yet, are you?” Felix felt even hotter, so he hid his face in Chan’s neck. “I just had this conversation with my classmates and I started feeling so insecure about our relationship. When they were talking about their partners it was more like a give-and-take kind of relationship, but all I do is take from you.” Felix stopped to take a breath and then he said quietly. “I’m sorry I’m a terrible husband, I just don’t know what to do, because I never had anyone like that before.... And I didn’t have any affection for another person as well…”

“Same here. Maybe that's why we ended up together in that club. My lame flirting skills did all the work, admit it.” Chan tried to make a joke and comfort Felix, because he was kind of emotional today and if the reason were his classmates, then Chan had to meet one or two of them and press a gun to their temple just to scare them. But he let Felix experience things of life that he would never feel in his field. The underground was cold. People were distant, strict, brutal. But the normal people that he was seeing and talking to everyday in the med school could teach him a lesson. So Chan was both jealous and understanding about his desire to be a doctor. 

“You always joke about serious stuff. Even when I’m trying to figure out my feelings, you just don’t let me. Stop expecting the worst from me. We ended up together because you thought I was pretty, and I just needed to get laid. That’s it. You were just too stubborn to let me live after that.” Felix shifted a bit in Chan’s lap and got a proper look of his face again. “Do you even remember? You were high all the fucking time!”

“Oh come on.” Chan rolled his eyes dramatically, but moved his hands again, placing them on Felix’s firm butt. “Weed was never a problem. In fact, it was helping me think better, faster. I know why I kept chasing after you even if you were turning me down all the time. At some point, I realized that you’ve never loved anyone and you’ve never had a relationship. You were like the most beautiful virgin and I felt so hooked to get you. To get what the others couldn’t get.” He said and smiled at his own cheesy bullshit because it was still new for him to pour romantic shit like that. 

Felix laughed at Chan’s words and leaned forward to peck his lips. “You’re so lame. But I like you…”

“You say that for the second time today. Stop melting, baby, you will get me worried.” The other said and gripped his butt harder, kissing his lips more urgently that Felix did.

“I just feel bad for you, because you got a cut.” Felix smiled devilishly and leaned again to peck his husband, pulling away quickly right after that. “And you’re really pretty today. Your hair looks soo fluffy, did you shower?”

“Yes. I had a sparring today. Look, I have no bruises. I told Changbin that you’re gonna cut his dick off if he hurt my face.” Chan joked and moved his hands up to wrap around Felix better and hug him as if they were separated for too long. Literally 5 or 6 hours after they woke up in their bedroom and left the house in separate ways.

“I would.” Felix confirmed. “I think you should take me out on a date. I know why Hyunjin wanted to talk to me. The other day he said something about hanging out all of us together. With Minho and Jiseung.” 

“You mean his sex slave?” Chan was pretty much aware of what his own best friend was doing with that crazy sadistic bitch that only looked calm and friendly. He sometimes wondered how it would feel like to use a whip on Felix or tie him to the bed, but he figured that it might trigger some negative emotion because of all the past kidnappings. “Sure, Jisung said that they are kind of dating. But your friend is nasty. And it always makes me wonder what you think of that. Of spanking and you know, all the additional bullshit.”

“Yeah, I know Minho. He likes to be called master Lino in bed. It’s so weird.” Felix rolled his eyes at Chan. “But I’m definitely not into that shit… Why? Did you want to do it?”

Chan was pretty sure that his confidence died and he looked like a five-year-old who got caught in a prank. His eyes rolled to the side and he denied it. “No. Of course not. I was just wondering, because you’re kind of demanding as well. You just don’t call me slave or whatever the fuck your friend calls Jisung.”

“Of course I don’t… It’s just that if you really wanted to do it I guess I could go with it, but like, if you’re not too hard on me.” Felix looked at Chan seriously. Even though, they were together for not that long he learned how to read Chan and lately he felt bad every time he declined Chan’s requests. “I trust you…”

It was kind of a turn on to hear that Felix just agreed to try something new and Chan started to think about it, but the image in his head was weird. He could take the role play seriously, but weren’t they both kind of different? They were definitely not boring, but the times when Chan was hurting Felix in his anger were left in the past and he had mixed feelings about it. 

“Don’t think about it now. Go dress up even nicer and call your friends. I’m gonna do the same with mine.” Chan said and just when he was about to lift Felix in his arms and lead him towards their bedroom, he got reminded of his activities with Changbin after they finished the sparring and went out of the boxing hall. He startled Felix when he started pulling his shirt up, pointing at the middle of his chest where his newest tattoo was still fresh and covered. A beautiful design of Felix’s name that he inked in his skin so he could carry him forever. “I missed you, so I did this. Do you like it?”

“Oh my God… Again?” Felix rolled his eyes at Chan. “You make me feel so… appreciated?” Felix laughed. “And I was being dramatic about us earlier… I knew it that I own your ass.” And even though what Chan did was affectionate and romantic even, Felix showed his true colors. The insecurities and uncertainty from earlier were replaced by his snarky remarks.

Chan slapped his ass hard and lifted him up in his arms, carrying him to the bedroom. 

“Yeah, you do. You get your ego boosted every time when I get soft. Remind me to stop doing that.” He mumbled under his nose and kicked the door since it was half open, making his way in the wide room and threw Felix on the bed carelessly, enjoying the startled expression on his pretty face. “You have 20 minutes to prepare.”

  
  


***

That meeting looked like a small family gathering and Chan was wondering how they might have looked from aside. Five psychopaths who gathered up in a cafeteria where Felix loved to go and where Chan used to stalk him, looking like shit, sacrificing his hours of sleep just to see his beloved crush. 

These small moments mathered for him and he was smiling, even if he was aware that Minho was doing something suspicious to his best friend Jisung, who was trying to keep a strong facade but it kept cracking from time to time and Chan was sure that Minho was just not keeping his hands to himself. 

On the other side was Felix, who was talking to his favourite old lady, because she caught his ring for the first time, as if she never noticed it before. But Chan thought that maybe Felix didn’t visit this place a lot, his free time was occupied with Chan and the book reading turned into university studying. So maybe Felix was focusing better when he was safe at home. Their home. 

“Are you still mad at me?” Hyunjin spoke to him and Chan turned to look at him, forgetting that he was even on the table because he was acting like a ghost while Minho was touching Jisung’s dick under the table. But he put his phone down now and faced Chan, starting a random conversation. 

“When was I even mad at you?” Chan asked, raising an eyebrow. “When you dumped Changbin, I was.”

Hyunjin rolled his eyes when he heard that and Even Minho and Jisung started paying attention. 

“For your information, blondie, I dumped Changbin because he had no time for me.” He replied as a matter of fact and Chan was about to protest, since that dramatic turn of their so called relationship ended bad one year ago and Chan had listened to what Changbin had in mind every time when they hung out together. 

“Ah, it was just easy for you to dump him, admit it.” Minho joined the conversation and smiled meanly at his friend. “He wasn’t sweet enough. Hyunjin, you have no idea how to date guys. I actually take Changbin’s side here.” He said and shrugged. 

“Because you are a fucking traitor. Felix is on my side though.” Hyunjin kept arguing. 

“Felix doesn’t like Changbin. You know, because he gave Chan drugs two years ago” Minho replied and Chan wanted to keep that topic away because Felix started walking back to them and sat down between him and Hyunjin, and the brat wrapped himself around Felix, pouting like a fucking kid. 

“Take my side please. They keep blaming me for Changbin.” Hyunjin whined to his friend and searched for comfort that he wouldn’t get from Felix for sure.

“He deserves every shit that’s happened to him.” Felix said and didn’t even try to wriggle out of Hyunjin’s strong grip on his arm. “I would still kill him if Chan wasn’t whining about how important is that shithead to him.”

“He is important.” Chan agreed and smiled sarcastically, because Changbin and Jisung were his only real friends before he met Felix and because of them he actually met Felix. So to watch the dude die would seriously make him sad. 

“He just has a small dick probably.” Minho stated out of the blue and looked aside at Jisung, giving him a wicked smile. “I can’t say the same thing for other people.”

“Bitch.” Hyunjin whined and kicked his friend under the table. “The dick is not important, the personality is.”

“Really? Is this why Felix transformed into a jelly ever since he got married?” Minho looked back at his friends. “When I came to your wedding I actually waited for you to run out before you sign the papers.”

“First of all, Chan’s dick is good. Second of all, he’s the most good looking person on this table… and as you know he actually puts up with me.” Felix pulled his hand out of Hyunjin’s grip and turned to hug Chan. “And he is really cuddly sometimes…”

Jisung’s eyes lit up after he heard Felix’s last words. “Minho is also cuddly. Like, after he’s done with all the slapping and lashing I mean…” His happy expression immediately changed when he noticed how this information immediately changed the mood of every one. “Awkward…” He added as if that could fix anything.

“This is not called cuddling.” Minho protested, but his usually calm expression looked amused now and he also looked at the others, pointing at Felix. “You do the same shit.”

“What's wrong with that anyway?” Chan asked as he tried to ignore the nasty topic, since he got permission from Felix to actually do something wild if he wanted to. He had no idea where to put an end even if he tried to experiment, he had no idea what was too much and what was okay. And maybe a conversation with Jisung would help, but not in front of Felix’s snakes. “That’s not a weakness. Just an act of affection.”

“Oh please, stop trying to act smart now. When you were only screwing Felix you were more fun. I guess marriage was making people boring.” Hyunjin said and looked displeased that Felix replaced him with Chan. Jealous bitch.

Chan smirked at him. “I can’t relate.”

Felix gaped at Hyunjin’s glare at Chan and covered Chan’s face with both of his hands, as if he was protecting him from seeing something terrible. “Don’t look at him like that. I don’t care what you say about Changbin, but I won’t let you stare at him like that.” The irony in Felix voice was obvious, but after getting with Chan he became a lot more playful. He even became nicer to his friends, and sometimes he was surprised by his own actions. “Don’t look at him.” He whispered to Chan.

The other nodded and started laughing quietly, turning to kiss the side of his head. 

Minho was smiling from aside, obviously touched by their sweet actions, but Hyunjin had his arms crossed in front of his chest and he was probably irritated again. But it was his fault to let a cool guy like Changbin slip through his fingers when the tattoo artist was so hooked on him for a long time. 

Chan was sure that the issue was different and maybe Changbin’s inability to commit to people got him dumped by this bitch, who wanted all the attention that he could get from people. He was jealous of literally everything. 

And Chan was often thinking about it, thinking about himself as well, because he didn’t want to suffocate Felix. But he was kind of doing it sometimes. He forbid him to go on med parties, hanging out with his loser friends or interact with them more than he had to. That could suffocate Felix in some point and he could kick his ass out when he gets tired of Chan’s possessive attitude. 

He got thoughtful for a moment and he kissed Felix’s hair to get his attention before he whispered in his ear. 

“Do you wanna go to a party, sweety? We can go together, you can meet me with your nerdy friends and we don’t even need to brag about being married, because if I see someone’s judging stares, I will blow up their head. But we can really go.” He said quietly while Hyunjin attacked Jisung with some stupid statement about Changbin and that gave Chan time to be more private with his boy. 

“Really?” Felix asked surprised at Chan’s suggestion. “You really want to go? Like, you wanna hang out with a bunch of drunk kids who might be doing drugs?”

“Why should that bother me. I’m clean.” Chan replied and smiled at the curious expression that made Felix look even more beautiful. “And yes, it's kind of boring that we stopped going to parties. It’s not my fault that people wanna kill you every now and then. So i can guard you while you have fun.” That was a statement that could turn into a lie, but Chan was sure that Felix knew him well enough to know that he wouldn’t stay away from alcohol. Or weed. Or both. 

“Okay then, I’ll tell you if something comes up. They used to make a lot of parties in one of the dorms, but after a while they stopped telling me after I rejected like a hundred times.” Felix said casually and leaned into Chan, making himself comfortable. “Why did you think of this in the first place?”

“I don’t wanna keep you in the house all the time. Hyunjin’s fucked up whinings made me overthink my actions. I should stop doubting you.” Chan replied and wrapped an arm around his shoulders to keep him close like that, rolling his eyes at the other three when they got too loud and their stupid argument about dicks probably shocked the old lady. 

Probably that's why Felix never brought these idiots to this place before. 

“I love you.” Chan told Felix while they still had time for each other and turned to kiss the side of his head.

“Yeah, I know.” Felix said and nuzzled in Chan’s neck. He wasn’t like that most of the times they went out in public because two men being touchy wasn’t accepted very well by the society, but that cafe was his safe space. “Can we go home now?”

“Yeah, i’m getting a headache.” Chan said and laughed, lifting his free hand up to stop the argue and his friends turned their heads towards him even if they looked angry. “We are going home.” 

“To have sex?” Minho asked, wiggling his eyebrows playfully. “I can’t stop you. We should leave as well. I’m getting hungry.”

“Yeah, feed your fat ass.” Hyunjin said and waved in front of his face before he turned towards Felix and smiled. “I’m gonna call you soon. We should go out together more often.”

“Yeah, next time don’t forget Changbin.” Minho added and laughed.

“You know I didn’t choose to be their friend, right?” Felix whispered to Chan while watching the mess in front of him. 

“Yeah, its even worse that my friends ended up with them.” Chan whispered back to him and pulled his wallet out to pay for them before he stood up. “Stop being angry. Your face will get wrinkles.” He told Hyunjin, knowing how crazy that brat was getting over his look and the glare that he received satisfied him enough. Chan pulled Felix up and started dragging him towards the exit, waving at Jisung on his way to the door. “See you bro.”

“Gonna call you later about that thing with Changbin, okay?” Jisung said, and Felix’s head snapped so hard back at Chan that it made Jisung feel scared for his friend. His face scrunched in a weird way and he looked around the room trying to avoid the scene that was about to unfold.

“What thing with Changbin?” Felix asked and opened the door of the cafe, trying to move the conversation away from his friend’s ears. “Does it involve anything… that I don’t want you to do?”

“No, just a tattoo. I made the design when I was bored a few days ago. Jisung wants it done by the end of the week.” Chan replied casually, almost forgetting about that tattoo, because it wasn’t a big deal for him, but his friend had a lot of skin to cover, so Chan gladly offered to help with some ideas. He looked at Felix and stopped walking for a moment, just scanning the area with his eyes by habit, never failing to protect Felix when they were outside.

“Okay, then…” Felix said and stared at Chan being suspicious about their surroundings. “Don’t be so tensed about me getting killed. At least when I die you’ll be able to hang out with Changbin as much as you want… And you could do drugs… until you die…” Felix said with anger filling his voice with every word, he knew he was being harsh but sometimes he really wanted to strangle Changbin. 

“Babe, come on.” Felix was getting on Chan’s nerves and he could sense how the familiar irritation was filling him up, so he grabbed his husband’s hand and started dragging him towards his car. “Changbin was giving me the shit that i want. He wasn’t guilty that you turned me down and I decided to take more of the drug than usual.”

“So it’s my fault then?” Felix stopped and that halted Chan as well. “It’s been two fucking years and you got over the fact that you put us through hell with your addiction, but it seems like I’m the only one who cares about this.” He pulled his hand out of Chan’s hand and went to sit in the car.

Chan ran a hand through his hair and followed, getting inside as well. He hated to leave conversations like that hanging, so he turned to face Felix and the angry eyes of the other were slowly driving him crazy. He was aware of what Felix had to stand because of him. Every other idiot would dump Chan or let him waste his life. The words of a man that Chan killed years ago were often twisting his mind and he tried to not think about them, but he still did. ‘You will die young’, was what he said before Chan blow up his head, but that crazy life style that he had wasn’t changing, so what if it really happened? What would Felix do?

“I also care. If you leave me, I will kill myself.” He told Felix and he didn’t even joke about it this time. 

“If I wanted to leave you I would have done it long time ago. You must be an idiot if you still haven’t realized that.” Felix mumbled looking out of the window. He hated how Chan managed to change his mood with the shit he was saying. Felix knew Chan was completely capable of doing something like this, because he almost killed himself last time Felix tried to get rid of him. Other people would say it’s a toxic relationship what they had but it worked for Felix, it worked for Chan, so he wouldn’t bother caring about other people’s opinion. “And stop saying you’ll kill yourself. It fucking triggers me and you know it.”

“Okay. That's not what I want as well.” Chan replied and turned towards the road, finally starting the car. 

Through the road to their apartment, he was feeling nervous. As if that small argue was still affecting them and there were a lot of things that were left unspoken but Chan decided to act like an adult for once and stop doing things that were making Felix angry. 

His main goal was to make him happy, but they were struggling sometimes, because they weren’t perfect. For him, he and Felix were just too different, but they grew up on the same way, grew up while watching how people die in front of their eyes and maybe that was making them worse than the normal couples. 

Chan was often thinking about Jisung and Minho. They weren’t killers. They were spanking each other and had no issues to deal with. Changbin was a bit darker, messing in the underground, while Hyunjin was a vulnerable little bitch that had no idea how to handle a tough guy. 

Felix was having issues of loving someone and even if he proved Chan that he wasn’t just ‘liking’ him now, he still never confessed his feelings in a different way. 

It was hard to commit to someone and keep them forever. It was even naive to think about long and happy life. But even if they had just one day left on Earth, Chan didn’t want to spend it like this. 

He stopped the car in front of their house and got out of the car first, moving to the other side to open the door for Felix. 

  
  


“I’m sorry.” He said when he peeked in and stretched one hand to pull Felix out. “Stop being mad at me now.”

“Okay…” Felix said without even thinking for a second and took a hold Chan’s arm firmly, which probably made Chan realise that there was some problem with Felix getting out of the car, but it was too late. Both of them were laying on the ground in the matter of seconds after Felix tripped on the way out of the car. “Sorry.” He said without even trying to lift himself up. “I’m generally not that clumsy…”

“What's wrong?” Chan asked and frowned up at him, ignoring the fact that he was the one who hit his head on the ground, but he got distracted by Felix. “Are you okay?”

“I’m just a bit distracted, but I didn’t hit my stupid head in the ground like you did.” Felix said and pushed himself off the ground. He pulled Chan up, who seemed a bit fazed by the impact. “Let’s get in and I’ll check if everything’s fine with that head of yours.”

Chan was sure that nothing was wrong with his head and Felix’s extra worry for him was always amusing him, but he started thinking of something and it made him act as if he really got hurt. He followed Felix inside the house and constantly rubbed the back of his head, sitting down on the couch when he decided to start with the show. 

“Now that I'm up I can feel it.” He said and made it more realistic as he stared curiously at Felix.

“Oh no, what exactly do you feel?” Felix said and started examining Chan’s head trying not to move him too much. “I might have to call an ambulance, I don’t want to damage you even more.” His voice was softer than usual and his eyes were way too blurry to see anything. “I think I’m getting a headache… I’m so sorry…”

“Felix, is everything okay with you?” Chan asked as well, because he found that behavior as odd and even if he wanted to make a scene now and make things a bit heated up for both of them, he wanted to be sure that his boy was okay. He straddled his legs to let Felix move closer to him and looked up at him curiously. 

“I’m just stressed… you know, school and all.. And now your fucking head…” Felix started looking around. He didn’t want to look at Chan and he was just blinking rapidly, taking in quick breaths. “Am I having an anxiety attack?!” He said to himself and tried to breathe, but then he started choking on air.

That made Chan crazy. He stood up in a matter of seconds and grabbed Felix’s hand, dragging him towards the kitchen. He had no idea what to do, but he had witnessed what the hookers did in such situations. They were taking fucking drugs but that wasn’t an option and he just pushed Felix down on a chair, filling up a glass of water but his hand started shaking and he dropped it into the sink, watching it shatter into pieces.

“Fuck, fuck.” Chan mumbled, sensing how he was losing it as well and filled up another glass, handing it to Felix before he dropped it down as well. “What do I do? Tell me and i’ll do it. Do you have any pills? Baby, breathe for fucks sake.”

Felix grabbed Chan’s arm while trying to catch his breath. His eyes were locked with Chan’s terrified ones and this didn’t help him much while he was trying to regain his breathing. It took a while until he was finally able to breathe properly and his grip on Chan’s arm weakened. 

“Sorry…” He finally said. “I don’t know what happened.”

“Are okay? How … what's happening?” Chan was completely freaked out by now. He kneeled in front of Felix and stared at his every hard intake of air. “Do you want me to take you to the hospital?”

“No. It’s okay… I think I’m being dramatic… I have this weird feeling that.. Something bad is about to happen.” Felix said while taking deep breaths. 

Chan nodded, breathing slow along with him as if to guide the action even if he doubted that Felix was able to notice that. He knew that he was worried, but what pissed him off was his disability to help Felix on time. What if it was something bigger? What if he was the one who would watch him faint or even worse? The thought of that frightened him and he felt how his eyes filled up with confused tears while he kept doing nothing to help his lover. 

“Man… I'm so useless.” He mumbled and sat down on the ground, releasing angry laughter. 

“Oh no.” Felix moved down on the floor and pulled Chan into a hug. “We’re okay… we’re fine…” 

“It's true. You always do so much for me and i’m just… i’m just fucking useless.” The other replied and hugged him back, squeezing him so hard that even if Felix got his breath back, he tried taking it away again. “Teach me how to help you. You’ve been through a lot. You sleep less, you study all the fucking time, you do your fucking job. What can I do?”

“I… this is the first time this has happened to me and I don’t even know what triggers it. I’m sorry I scared the shit out of you.” Felix tried to move his head to the side and kiss Chan’s neck but the other was holding him so tightly he could barely shift his head a bit. “I need to breathe though…”

“Fuck, sorry.” Chan mumbled and loosened the hold around him, moving his hands up to Felix’s face instead and pulled it closer, pecking his lips like a hundred times as if that was going to give him oxygen. “I was lying about my head. There was nothing wrong with it.” He confessed. “I just wanted to get nasty but you decided to die and fucked up my plan.”

“I’m gonna fucking kill you,” Felix said without any bite, too tired to get angry. “That might be what triggered my episode actually you know… What if I’m in love with you and I’m just too obsessed about you dying or something… That would make sense.”

Chan stared at him and felt how his heartbeat increased when Felix started talking about feelings. His whole body relaxed and he smiled like an idiot, knowing that if Felix was on his right state of mind, he would never say something vulnerable like that. 

One of them must be dying for that to happen. 

“What if? I thought you are in love with me, what's wrong with you?” He joked and leaned in to kiss him again, making that kiss deeper than the previous ones when he searched for access with his tongue.

Felix complied, he was kissing back lazily because he was still affected by what happened earlier. But he didn’t have the heart to push Chan away like what he used to do a long time ago. He realized that he was putting Chan’s needs before his for so long that he ignored his own most of the time. He knew what was going on and why he was having these attacks. The reason for that was safely put aside in Felix’s anatomy book where Chan couldn’t find it. Felix didn’t want him to know about that possibly big threat that could ruin their relationship. And in the meantime, he decided to let himself forget about it.

Chan smiled against his lips and gave up on the idea to give Felix what he planned to give him and just stood up, pulling him as well so they could just go to their bedroom and rest. If they weren’t literally living together, Chan might have insisted to get Felix undressed for him, but he learned the hard way that when the other wasn’t in the mood for sex, he didn’t have to force him. 

He put Felix to sit down on the bed and started undressing him as if he was disabled, but that was the only way that Chan could show him that he could take care of him as well. 

“Just lay back down and rest. I’m gonna be nasty and cuddle you all night, okay?” He said and pulled the other’s jeans off with struggle, walking to the big wardrobe to pull out one of the shirts that Felix loved to sleep with and handed it to him. “And no studying tomorrow. Also, you’re definitely asking your friends about a party. You need to relax.”

“Yes, daddy.” Felix grinned and took the shirt. He quickly changed into it although he felt extremely tired all of a sudden. 

“Wrong timing, baby.” Chan warned him and laughed, taking his own shirt off and just joined him on the bed, pulling the covers over their bodies before he wrapped around Felix and spooned him securely. “Don’t think about bad stuff now. Just close your eyes and sleep.”

“Goodnight Chan.” Felix said before he smirked and decided to add. “You love me.” If Chan knew him well enough he would understand what he was implying.

And the words had a big effect on the other because everything that Felix was saying was important. Everything that he said had meaning and Felix had heard this a million times in two years. But it wasn’t the fact that Chan loved him that mattered. 

It was the fact that Felix tried to leave a message for him and he was cruel enough to make it sound so real. Chan knew that Felix was able to feel his pounding heart right now so he just managed to say one last thing before ending the conversation. 

“Yeah. I love you too.”


	2. Go to sleep baby.

Felix found a party. And Chan was getting anxious as the day was coming closer. He felt how bad thoughts started to haunt him. His mind was busy with work during the next few days. Junsu needed help and Chan would never turn his back at this man, no matter what he was going to get him into. 

It turned out that someone was fucking with their family again. What Chan found in the apartment that Junsu brought him, was the dissected bodies of three people. There were notes left, written probably by the same people who died. 

Connecting the pieces gave them an answer. 

Whoever that sick bastard was, he forces these people to write down ‘YOU ARE NEXT’ with their own signatures, right before he cut them into pieces. 

That nasty murder became a ghost story immediately. Chan’s father ordered to keep it a secret until they find who was the killer. 

Maybe it was some douchebag who just wanted to revenge his whore for marrying one of the dead men. But the second body was hers, so it made no sense to deliver a message to a dead whore. 

Murderers like that were happening all the time, but Chan was a free soul when he was chasing down bastards just to fuck with their mind and shoot them in the head for threatening the territory of the Bang family. Of course, they weren’t cowards. Chan would usually jump for the sake of everyone and he would chase the killer until he finds him and removes the threat. 

He never cared who he would face or how strong he would be. Chan had never asked if he had chances against someone, he made his chances real. He was a tough motherfucker whos scars were beautifully covered by tattoos that reminded him that he was still alive after every hit, bullet, or whatever he would face. 

Chan, the shadow of the Bang family, was unbreakable. 

Two years later, he already had a flaw. 

He fell in love. 

Chan’s eyes rolled on Felix’s outfit and he found it weird how that boy could still impress him even after two years. Whenever Chan thought that he knows Felix’s entire outfit, the other surprised him with something new, something that he wore with such class, that Chan’s weird outfits made him feel stupid to walk next to Felix. 

Chan’s demonic black vest had nothing to do with Felix’s baggy tank top, the way that the front of it was tucked in his black jeans made him look even more challenging. And Felix had never worn chokers, but tonight he had one and Chan felt a weird urge to take a hold of it and rip it. 

He admired Felix for many reasons. The boy was deadly, too young and too damaged to live the life that he was living now, too heartless to marry a dude and too beautiful to stay alone. Felix was delicate in his own way and it was mesmerizing how he moved around their house sometimes, wearing nothing but his boxers on, having that sweet morning hair and sleepy expression on his face. He was utterly stunning and that was Chan’s flaw. 

He realized that if someone threatened Felix, Chan would lose his shit and probably fail to protect him. He would panic, he would die with the thought of losing Felix, but he would never let anything bad happen to him. 

Which was why he couldn’t let anything happen to him. 

Whoever murdered those people in Chan’s quarters, they threatened someone for sure. He wanted to believe that he wasn’t the aim, but he was the one dealing with unfinished business and he was the hitman getting his fine ass hired to kill people here and there. 

That killer could be out, chasing after him, or Chan was just getting paranoid because he was scared of losing the only happiness that he ever had in his life. 

The only star in his dark sky, the only reason for him to wake up alive. 

He didn’t tell Felix about that murder. He wanted Felix to have fun, so he took him to that college party, he relaxed his mind after the fifth shot of vodka and tried to blend in. 

It was hard, considering how everyone on that party was an asshole or a bitch. Or a nerd. 

They all threw him weird looks, probably because he looked like a punk kid, dressed in all black, having baggy ripped jeans and heavy boots. His hair was a mess and he probably looked like Felix’s retarder best friend, rather than the husband that he was. 

Well, if these fuckers knew how Felix was moaning his name at night, they wouldn’t give Chan these fucked up looks. 

Chan lost Felix when he turned into a social butterfly and moved aside to greet his group of friends, looking like small sunshine who was so happy to see them. And for a moment Chan felt amused. These people had no idea how strong and deadly Felix was. They had no idea that he was a gun dealer and that his father owned half of the fucking city. 

So instead of being an idiot or asshole, Chan just blended in where his place was - around the crackheads of the party. The outsiders who had their own fun in the middle of the dance floor, looking obviously high and wasted. When he joined them, they accepted him with a shot of some mixed alcohol that awakened Chan’s spirit with just the first sip and he felt like dying after that burning mixture of alcohol slid down his throat. 

An hour later, Chan was already tipsy, having fun with these strangers, but never failed to keep an eye on Felix just in case. 

He remembered a few names as well. One of the crack heads was Yugeom, there was a Jaebum and Jung- something. Also Jina, who grabbed Chan’s ass several times but he acted as if she didn’t, because he didn’t want to ruin the party. 

Suddenly after three shots of that same mixed alcohol, Chan started to forget his worries. He was dancing to the music, he was getting a bit more reckless than he intended to, and when he turned his head aside, he didn’t see Felix and his friends. 

His heart skipped a beat and he started looking around the room, but the many lights that decorated the place were making it hard for him to look closely. 

Chan started to get nervous and pushed a few of his new ‘friends’ when he tried to get away from that spot and search for Felix. His heart sank when he saw the blonde boy talking to two guys and something inside of Chan flipped. His body started moving by itself, he was about to just fucking grab Felix and kiss him in front of everyone, but these people had no idea about them. 

Chan and Felix weren’t so public, they didn’t let useless people hear about their marriage, because they needed to stay safe. But right now Chan was ready to let them see that Felix was fucking gay and that he fucking wanted Chan and nobody else. 

That feeling was probably what people called ‘jealousy’. Whatever it was, it dulled Chan’s senses and he couldn’t react on time when someone grabbed him by the vest and pulled his face towards their own. 

In the next second, Chan started to realize that someone was kissing him. He also realized that Felix was probably fucking watching this and the urge to push that person away was getting stronger. Chan almost picked the knife that he held on the backside of his belt and stabbed this person on the neck. But then he realized that it was a girl, because of the taste of lipstick that he felt.

“God, your lips are so soft.” The bitch said after she broke the kiss and Chan just realized that he was so wasted. He couldn’t even talk, but he could still frown. “You’re so hot, I’m so gonna give you head, tiger.”

“Move.” He tried to shove her to the side, and the beautiful view of Felix’s strong glare that got exposed in front of him, made him shiver. 

Great, now he pissed Felix for no reason. 

“Hey, wait.” The girl was as wasted as Chan was, but she was definitely a brave one because while Chan was eye-fucking his glaring husband, the girl grabbed his cock. 

“What the fuck?” Chan yelled at her over the loud music and this one second that he looked away from Felix was the second that Felix came closer to him and this little bitch. 

Felix noticed that none of this was initiated by his husband, but he also noticed that Chan didn’t do anything about it. He was quick to walk the space between them and yank Chan away from that girl who was trying to get his attention again. He was thinking to pull Chan out of the house, however he decided he can’t leave that bitch thinking she could have any chances with his husband late. 

“This is mine.” Felix simply said. He was about to slap her or something but then he just grabbed Chan’s ass. “I’m gonna fucking kill you and chop you into pieces if you touch him again, okay?” He was probably getting brave with his words because he was already under the influence of some unknown to him liquors. 

The girl’s jaw dropped and she was about to say something stupid, but Chan decided to stop Felix before he really chop her into pieces. He winked at the girl and wrapped an arm around Felix, leading him towards the balcony where most smokers went out to share some intimacy with their weed or whatever the fuck they smoked, but Chan used that as a time to catch his breath and cool down. 

He opened the door and got out on the balcony with Felix, and the fresh air kind of had a weird effect on him because he started laughing, resting his drunk body against the fence.

“That party is actually cool.” He said out of nowhere, not really thinking about that kiss or that it might make Felix angry. They were together right? 

“You let that fucking bitch kiss you! And then you let her grab your cock??? What the fuck is wrong with you?” Felix almost shouted at Chan although he could notice that he was way too drunk to even understand the concept of why that is wrong. “You betrayed me.”

Chan’s smile disappeared quickly and his eyes narrowed at Felix. “You can’t say that shit. This bitch was just funny. Come on baby, my dick is fine.” He said and tilted his head, examining Felix as if he was seeing him for the first time. But there was something intriguing about the way that he glared. And yet, Chan was in a weird state of mind, so to act soft in front of Felix was kind of impossible. “She offered me a blow job, can you imagine?”

Felix never felt so angry at Chan. He pushed his body into his and tried to lure him that he’s trying to seduce him, but what he was actually doing while roaming his hands over Chan’s back, was pulling out one of his guns. 

He moved away from Chan’s body before the other had the chance to take on some love game and pointed it at his temple. They were at a fucking party. On a fucking balcony. Anyone could see them. Felix could get in jail for this, but he could care less.    
“Do you do that when I’m not around?” He spat at Chan’s face. “Do you let people fucking touch you? Do they suck your dick?”

Chan started to think about his condition and it kind of worried him that he was still feeling funny and irritated, while Felix was holding a gun next to his temple and he had to say the magic word if he didn’t want his brain to get floated by bullets. 

But the adrenaline rush that he felt made him breathe a bit heavier and his eyes kept staring at Felix, but he stopped feeling okay. 

This didn’t feel okay. 

“Are you feeling insecure?” He tried to guess because the choice of words that Felix picked wasn’t something regular. “Because you never sucked my dick? And you think I’m in such a fucking need to get the job done when you’re not around? Do you think that it's so important to me?” He hissed and pressed his head against the gun that he loved so much, who was held by the crazy bastard that he loved even more.

This made Felix even more agitated. Chan was so wasted and he still managed to use the most harsh words, that could actually get to Felix.

“You never shut up about this! What am I supposed to think?” He whispered, but the way Chan looked in his eyes made him soft and he dropped the gun. “I’ve seen people looking at you, I know there are many people who’d want to bone you… But I never thought you’d want somebody else until five minutes ago…”

“You’re getting fucking crazy.” Chan’s mind was still slipping in that daze and he was talking shit without even thinking much about it. He grabbed the gun from Felix’s hand and looked down at it, smiling mockingly at the realization that it wasn’t even loaded. He looked up at Felix and kept that smile on. “You make me feel like … I’m some fucking idiot to you. Yes, Felix, like every fucking guy I might want you to suck my dick and you’ll probably think that it's not a big deal, but you keep rejecting me. Why do you keep rejecting me?” Now he was the one raising his voice and swaying that gun as if it was a toy.

“I haven’t felt the need to do it… It’s something you do when you want the other person to feel pleasure by suppressing your needs. We’re not there yet.” Felix replied completely unfazed by Chan’s behavior.

Chan laughed, this time really getting agitated. He could see people throwing them curious glances and that made him put that gun back where it was before some kid walk out on the balcony and freak out. 

“We are not there yet. Of course.” He said and pointed at Felix’s face, looking straight at his eyes. “I stopped my regular fights for you. I stopped smoking weed every day because I don’t want you to leave me, I try standing all of your bullshit and you know, isn’t this called sacrifice? When is gonna be the right time for you to give me your all and stop putting walls in front of me? Seriously, maybe I should go get my dick sucked if that’s gonna make you angry.”

“Sure. Go get your dick sucked by that bitch. She was the one who put through with your weak ass when you were in fucking rehab. Ohh no, I forgot you actually hate me for forcing you to get clean. How stupid of me. Fighting for some shithead who’d sell me for a blowjob.” Felix almost yelled at Chan trying to fight the loud music, but also out of anger. Chan tended to forget that Felix also had to make sacrifices for Chan, but whatever he did was undermined by the other, just because he didn’t want to suck his dick.

Chan looked away first, feeling how a lump got stuck in his throat and he could sense the guilt creeping under his skin, but Felix was the one who fucking doubted him in the first place. If he was having thoughts that Chan might cheat just because of a blow job, then he was a fucking idiot. And he deserved to be this angry. 

So he flashed Felix a smile and waved to him. 

“You fell in love with me when I was high as fuck three times a day. Have fun baby.” He said, but the words made his breath heavy and he knew that if Felix turns around and walked back in the party room, he was going to lose his shit. 

And of course that he would leave. Felix wasn’t a person who could stand humiliation without blowing the person’s head, but he probably sympathized Chan enough to keep him alive at least. 

The guilt mixed up with worry as Chan stared at his lover’s back, feeling so bad that he nearly ran after Felix to get him back and apologize, but when he entered that fucking room, his head got dizzy by the smell of weed and the loud bass of the music. 

He couldn’t see Felix anywhere and his hands started to sweat nervously. 

What did he say so wrong? 

Right, he disrespected Felix, when the other did the impossible to make his hell a little bit brighter during those months of rehab. Chan was making lame jokes about it, but if Felix wasn’t there, he would probably give up, run out of the clinic and go for another dose. 

Just because he had no time to sleep. He became a drug addict because of time. 

“Dude, relax, it's not so bad.” Chan heard someone talking to him and frowned aside at a black-haired male who was handing him a cup of some alcohol probably. 

He accepted it anyway and drank all of it before looking up and down the guy. Total asshole. 

“Do you have some weed?” He asked, deciding that if he was going to feel guilty, at least he could do something to actually be guilty of. 

The stranger shrugged. “Yeah, I need weed to keep myself awake, you know? Busy hours.” He said and started walking towards the balcony while Chan had a moment to hesitate. To follow him or follow Felix. 

He followed the stranger. 

  
  


***

  
  


Felix walked out to his car. He was driving on the way to the party, so him getting into his car and driving off without Chan meant that the other would have to find himself a ride. Probably the bitch who’s sucking his cock right now. He was kind of tipsy and angry so he didn’t care about anything, he just hit that gas pedal and let the adrenalin from the speed wash away his thoughts about what happened earlier.

Chan said that Felix fell in love with him and that made him think. He didn’t object, he just left and his stupid husband obviously didn’t take the hint. He didn’t follow him and he just let him leave. This made him even more angry and he didn’t even care anymore to keep his facade of a stone-cold asshole even in front of himself. He started crying while driving to their home, where he would go in by himself and wait for the guy who promised to protect him no matter what. The same guy who decided that a blow job is more important than his promises. 

Felix was sure he was going crazy because he started laughing hysterically after he realized that he trusted a fucking mafia boss’ son. Of course Chan lied. Of course he was trained to get what he wants in order to do his job. Maybe Felix was just a job to him and he fell into his trap. He never let anyone so close as Chan got, and Felix was sure that love doesn’t bring anything good, and at the end he was correct.

When he arrived home he didn’t even bother to change out of his clothes. He laid down in their bed and hugged Chan’s pillow as if it was gonna console him in any way. Even though Felix hated Chan, he felt like he didn’t. Maybe if Chan came back now Felix would pretend nothing happened and just forgive him. No one else would put up with his shit and Chan spoilt him so much Felix probably wouldn’t be able to survive without the attention he would be deprived of if Chan left.

Maybe Chan wanting another person was actually Felix’s fault, so he was willing to forget about that night. But he couldn’t stop crying. He was angry at both of them for being so stupid. Unfortunately he didn’t know that there could be another outcome of the situation. The whole apartment was dark, and Felix was laying wide awake waiting for Chan, while sniffling every now and then. He couldn’t fall asleep for hours, because he was anxious if Chan would come back. It was when he started hearing loud noises coming from outside when he supposed it might be Chan. He walked closer to their bedroom door when he heard a glass breaking, this made him storm out of the bedroom faster than lightning. 

“Chan?” He asked quietly when he stepped into the living room. “Are you okay?” The idiot he was, he was worried that his drunk husband might have hurt himself when he broke that glass. Felix was at a point that he couldn’t even stay mad at Chan for long.

The other looked up when he was done untying his boots and kicked them away without falling down on the ground again. His eyes were red and heavy when he looked at Felix and his wasted smile was nothing like the ones he used to give Felix when they were still only hooking up two years ago. 

“Felix, I was thinking about us.” He said and sighed deeply, resting his back against the wall for a moment, and then started pulling his vest over his head. “Its so fucking hot here…”

“What have you done?” Felix rushed to Chan’s side, and tried to take a hold of him. It was clear to him that Chan was high. He could read the signs before, but his medical background gave him even more reasons to worry. “Did you take anything?” Felix’s small hand rose up to caress Chan’s cheek. He was angry at him but he was also worried, because he knew where this could lead to. “Why are you doing this… to me?”

“I got high once, who cares.” Chan asked, obviously not in the right state of mind and when his eyes focused on Felix, he smirked. “Baby, you know that i can’t cheat on you, right? I’m fucking dying for you, but you need to bend over now.” He said boldly and reached for Felix’s face with his right hand, gripping his chin hard. “I’m gonna make love to you, Felix.”

“Chan, stop.” Felix said seriously. Chan’s grip was way too tight and he never did anything as violent when it came to Felix. He didn’t get scared, but he got alarmed.

“You know, I spoke to a dude tonight. Such a nice guy by the way…” Chan said and leaned closer to his face, but his posture crumbled down after a moment and he fell down on his knees, laughing when the action seemed too lame even for him. He pulled both of his guns and threw them aside before he looked up at Felix. “He advised me to just fuck hard have fun. That’s what I plan to do. You haven’t let me in for so long. What's wrong now, am i not hot enough for you?” He asked while pushing his wasted body up again and his right hand moved up to grab Felix’s hair. “I want you.”

Felix frowned, but didn’t do anything to stop Chan yet. He considered the fact that his husband wasn’t really aware of what he was doing, and he also had to think of a way to save the situation before it was too late. He didn’t want to hit Chan either, but he was considering it. “I don’t want you. Get yourself together.” 

Chan disliked the answer, but his fingers released the soft locks that he was holding. A moment later he gripped Felix’s wrist instead and spun him around before pushing him against the same wall, trapping his body with his own. The heat that Chan felt all over himself got even worse when he felt his husband’s body against his own and his thoughts started going in one single direction. He followed like a dumb animal, moving his hands down to tug Felix’s jeans low on his hips, since he wasn’t wearing any belt and it felt easy to just pull the jeans down. 

“Is this how you play hard to get?” Chan asked close to his ear and smirked, going for Felix’s boxers. “I’m gonna fuck you so good baby.”

  
  


Felix tried to escape Chan’s grip which seemed impossible, he felt really disappointed in his husband. It wasn’t about having sex, it was about Felix not wanting it in the particular moment, when Chan was rude and extremely violent. Probably that was the moment when he realized his feelings for Chan, because he would have beaten the shit out of him if Chan’s statement from earlier wasn’t correct. It was humiliating for Felix to let Chan do this, and he really felt like crying again for being powerless in that situation. “Chan I don’t want to hurt you. Stop this before it’s too late.” Felix warned him.

Chan kept his smile on, bringing both of his hands down and stepped back, pulling Felix’s butt towards himself with one hand, as the other put pressure on his back to force him to bend over. 

“You said we can try getting hard some time... “ He said, gripping Felix’s boxers hard to pull them over and he slapped him when he was done, enjoying the red mark that he left on his butt cheek. Chan repeated that action with a harder slap and moved his hand down to undo his own jeans. 

“I’m not enjoying this. Fucking let go of me or I’ll kill you for real this time.” Felix hissed. He was way too shocked to collect his mind and plan his next actions before Chan got out of his pants. “You’re gonna regret this I swear.”

“Shut the fuck up.” Chan replied seriously, doing something that he had never done before. He pushed Felix’s head against the door too hard, keeping his palm rested against the side of it to prevent him from moving and his wasted eyes locked down at his own cock that was surprisingly hard and being stroked by his other hand. “You can be sexier, you know? This isn’t fun at all.” He said and parted his lover’s legs with his knee, not even thinking of what damage he could do if he just get in him without doing any form of foreplay. He just used his own leaking cock to get inside Felix and since the other was struggling, Chan gripped his waist too hard and pushed into him, releasing a quiet grunt.

Felix whined in pain and tried to push Chan away from himself but his attempts were futile. He knew Chan was strong but he never applied his on him and he had to think quick what to do, but the pain that was ripping him on the inside was way too distracting. “You’re hurting me. Is this what you wanted?” Felix whispered weakly, already giving up to fight his husband.

And the other was completely into his own actions and feelings, being deaf for everything else around him. Felix’s voice sounded distant and his sight got blurred for a moment, which made him curse. Chan got breathless too fast and at some point he felt how his left hand was numb. He looked down and removed it from Felix, noticing the mark that he left there with his fingers. 

His heart skipped a beat and he thrust a few more times in Felix before he felt him too tensed and pulled his cock out, slapping his red spot hard enough to cause more pain to the spot. 

“Okay then, if you won’t let me have sex with you. Maybe we should try something more bonding.” He said and turned Felix over again, taking his chin in a hard grip. In the condition that he was, he missed seeing the sparkling eyes, the angry look, the disappointment that Felix was expressing so clearly. Chan just smiled at him and continued talking. “Suck my dick, Felix.” When he made that request, something wild crossed those brown eyes and Chan’s insides clenched dangerously. “No? You don’t wanna?” He asked again and released Felix’s chin, taking one step back from him. 

Felix was way too tired and in pain to even retort at Chan. He tried to move himself away from his husband, while the other was keeping his distance. At this point all his thoughts of forgiving Chan were gone. He tried to bend down and wear his pants again before he grabs his car keys and leave the house. He didn’t want to deal with Chan while he was in that state.

But right when he proceeded to do that, Chan made him lose balance with a specific hit that was meant to make his knees get weak and the rest he did with his hands as he pushed Felix down on his knees, forcing him to face his dick. 

“You are freaking me out, you know? Why do you make such a fucking big deal out of this?” Chan said, but his voice was low and it lacked emotions. The next surprise came when he slapped Felix across the face so hard that his head turned to the side. And Chan didn’t stop there. He forced him to turn his head towards his dick again and held it with his free hand, pushing it towards Felix’s lips. 

At this point Felix felt not only disappointed, but betrayed and hurt. He didn’t really want to hurt Chan, but he didn’t leave him another choice. He grabbed both of Chan’s legs and managed to make him lose his balance. From then it was easy for him to take him down on the floor. He held it in while he was trying to get up before Chan and run away from him, but the other grabbed his leg, not letting him escape. Felix just sighed and squeezed Chan’s hand that was holding his leg and forced him to let go. “Why the fuck are you still fighting?” He said through gritted teeth, which only made Chan even more active. Felix only rolled his eyes and started kicking Chan in his belly until he felt satisfied and he decided it could be considered a pay back. 

“Go to sleep, baby.” He said before he finally kicked him in the head and that actually left Chan unconscious. 

Felix let a sigh of relief and fell down to the floor next to Chan. He was having hard time breathing from all the kicking. He hadn’t dealt with anyone in person for a while and that tired him out. He just stared at Chan’s sleeping face. He was calm, and he wasn’t aggressive at all. Felix wanted to keep him unconscious forever. He was so mad at him that he just left him there and tried to drag himself to the living room. 

He got his phone from the table and dialed their family lawyer. It was around 4am, but that dude was paid good money so Felix didn’t care if he was about to wake him up. He just wanted to get rid of Chan.

When he heard him pick up, he just said what he wanted without getting into details. “I want you to email me the documents I’ll need to get divorced.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the late update! Lets hope you still like this xD   
The next chapter won't come that slow, I promise <3 Comments are always welcome!


	3. We are not done yet.

Chan woke up in pain. His head was pulsing dangerously bad and he had no idea what was going on. His instincts kicked in even when his body felt stiff. He was so disoriented that for a moment his surroundings were blurred, his senses sharp and he tried reaching for his gun out of habit, but he realized that he didn’t have it. 

The panic started growing when he realized that his pants were down, when he moved his ribs hurt, his head kept pulsing and he felt how his heart rate increased. 

More seconds passed and his body connected to his brain, moving although the pain that he felt in several parts of his body. 

He pulled his jeans up and breathed out the air that he kept in. What was going on? 

Why was he naked, dead on the ground? Where was he?

His eyes scanned the room. It was the corridor of his own house. His guns were resting on the ground, he saw the small vase that he bought a month ago- broken near the door. He saw his vest thrown on the ground… 

But his memory loss was what worried him. 

Chan’s hands trembled when he tried to push his body up, frowning deeply. 

He tried to recall what happened last night. They went to a party with Felix…. He got super drunk during the first hour and he was sure that most of his drinks contained drugs, because he was used to get wasted with shit like that when he was a careless little asshole and the top of all were the shots of mixed alcohol that he took. 

Chan’s heart dropped when he started remembering more stuff while walking towards the living room. His mouth was dry. So dry that he was sure that he took something hard after all that alcohol. Did he get himself drugged? Just like that, even though he knew what he had been through? 

The anger started creeping under his skin but what troubled his mind was the state of his own body when he woke up. His fucking pants were down, his dignity was broken and he was sure that the one kicking his ribs so hard - was Felix. 

“Felix?” Chan asked, hearing the panic in his own voice as he pushed the door of the living room open and tried to adjust to the darkness of the room. His senses got confused for a moment. He was sure that it was morning, the clock that he saw in the hall was showing 9 am. But that room was so dark that Chan could barely see anything. Felix must have pulled their black curtains closed. The same ones that he disliked when Chan insisted on having them. 

But then he saw the small form of the one that possessed his mind and body. The light in his life. Chan bit his lip when he approached Felix, but the other didn’t even move. The realization that something was wrong made the worry in him increase and for a moment there, Chan felt like he wanted to scream. 

What did he do? What was wrong with Felix? 

He remembered having a stupid fight with Felix at the party, and then everything was out of his head. A black spot that Chan would never remember. 

He wished he could. 

“Baby?” Chan called out for the other, standing a few feet away from Felix. And then his eyes adjusted to the light and finally saw the outcome of his careless drug usage last night. 

Chan fell down on his knees, feeling struck by what he saw there, sitting on the ground. 

Felix looked so tired...his beautiful eyes looked dead and cold. The sparkle in them was lost, covered by tears that were still sliding down his soft cheeks. 

It was shocking to see Felix cry, but it was even more shocking to watch the blue spot on his cheek bone, his swollen eye and fingerprints on his jaw. 

Who had done this to him? 

Chan’s heart was bursting, his emotions were too confused, but he felt how his own eyes filled with angry tears and he started shaking his head, rejecting the thoughts before they could even reach his head. Each one of them was negative, repulsive, ugly. The thought of hurting Felix like this was driving him crazy and for a second, Chan wished he could blow his own brain with a bullet. 

He had never hurt anyone. He had never acted aggressive while he was high. Damn, Chan was living on drugs so he could do his job and he was so precise in everything that he did. Even in his worse condition he was aware of his actions, able to make decisions, able to control himself. 

How the hell did he hurt Felix then? Why was he dead in the corridor while his lover was so fucking beaten up, crying in the living room? What did he do?

The questions were freaking him out and Chan knew that he couldn’t make excuses. He got tricked. He crossed too many lines in one night and regretting his decisions now was pretty useless. He deserved everything that Felix did to him. 

He deserved even more. Felix had to shoot him, fucking chop his dick off, fucking kill him. 

But now Chan had to live with the disappointment that his lover would feel for him. 

He knew that he just lost Felix and the trust that he had built slowly for two fucking years. 

He had never hurt Felix, but looking at his face now was making him feel sick. 

“Baby, I... “ He started speaking, shaking from anger while examining Felix. It was freaking him out how thoughtful the other looked, how cold he was. Chan could literally feel the chill air around Felix and he had no idea how to approach him, so he kept his distance. “I have no idea… what the fuck… what the fuck happened to us?” He asked, having no idea how to start a conversation like that, but the only one who remembered was Felix and Chan needed to know how bad he treated him. 

Felix effortlessly stood up in front of Chan, still keeping his distance. When he got up he also gave his husband a better view of his fucked up face. He sniffled a couple of times before he started speaking. “You slapped me.” He started, but his voice was quiet, timid in a way. “And then you kept hitting me, grabbing me… you…” His voice cracked and he gave up on speaking, he just stared at Chan.

“Felix, I…” Chan stopped himself before he could drop an excuse that would mean nothing to the other. The imagination of what he did to Felix the previous night occupied his mind and Chan felt desperate. He looked up at the other and his heart ached to see him that distant. A part of him wanted to grab him in his hands and guard him, but then he remembered that he was the one who did all the damage and Felix had to be guarded from him. “I have no idea… of what I did.”

“At first I didn’t want to hit you… you know, I thought I was in love with you and I wanted to protect you no matter what.” Felix kept speaking in his weak voice. He ignored the guilt in Chan’s eyes and kept staring at him, he was still crying and not bothering to wipe away his tears. “But then you tried to force me to give you hea…”

Chan looked away first and his fists clenched hard. He looked down at his hands and bit his lip again, trying to remember that fucking scene, but he just couldn’t. It was like all the bad things that he did had happened when he wasn’t in his right state of mind. But that didn’t justify his actions. The guilt was eating him up from inside and he nodded, accepting that he was fucked up enough to force himself on the only freaking person that he loved. 

Maybe he was twisted nastily, maybe the old habits were never going to fade, maybe the next time that he get himself smashed, he would kill Felix. Or Felix would kill him. 

“Why didn’t you just shoot me?” He asked with sarcastic voice, but it was just a way for him to hide the frustration and disappointment that he felt to know that he did all of that just because he thought that he wants to get his dick sucked. 

“I… need you… no, I needed you.” Felix walked further from where he was standing, as if he was scared of Chan’s reaction to what he was about to say. “I never thought you’d do this to me… but you did and I don’t trust you anymore.”

“Felix..” Chan’s voice cracked and he looked up at the other, rejecting the words that just left Felix’s mouth. He couldn’t…. No, he actually could. He had all the details, he had all the fucked up stuff that Chan did to him, printed in his head. Felix probably really lost his trust in him, and for people like that, trust was everything. 

They were together because they trusted each other. And Chan’s original role was to protect this boy, not beat the shit out of him because of a blow job. 

The irony was how much he regretted everything that he couldn’t even remember. 

“I won’t do this… again.” Chan said the regular. He said what everyone else would try saying. But Felix was smart enough and the realization that he might have really lost his trust made Chan’s heart beat like crazy. “Please, you know that I can fix this. Baby, i promise you…”

Felix laughed bitterly. “I… wanted you to come back to me. I wished you followed me earlier, but you stayed there and got high. I really thought I could fix you… But you betrayed me…” Felix dropped himself down on the floor again and hugged his legs. He was too tired of this conversation. “Did I tell you you shoved your dick up my ass when I told you I didn’t want to… and I let you… I didn’t hit you… I let you play with me until you decided you can shove it in my mouth as well… I really can’t stand you right now.”

The words were sinking in and Chan’s mind was starting to work in a different direction. He was searching for someone to blame. He started recalling conversations in his head, people that he met, faces that he remembered, but he spoke to so many that he wasn’t sure who was the one who fucked him up in the end. Whatever he gave him wasn’t working good on him. It made Chan aggressive, it made him do things that he would never do while being high. 

He knew himself, his limits, his fucking way of thinking when he was under the control of drugs. But to hurt Felix had never even crossed his mind. 

He kept looking away from the other and continued thinking. 

Who was that fucker who pulled him away when he really wanted to follow Felix? 

“I fucked up.” He said coldly, having these dark thoughts again, as if they were back where they started, two years ago. Whenever Chan struggled, he was thinking about hurting people. Right now he wanted to hurt one person, who’s face he couldn’t remember. 

“I want a divorce.” Felix said quietly and didn’t even look at Chan.

These words stopped Chan’s tray of thoughts and he shot Felix a glare, thinking that he might have misheard something. But his heart was bursting again and he was able to hear it in his head while his eyes stared at the serious expression on Felix’s face. 

This couldn’t be happening. 

“No.” He said in his shock, shaking his head. “Felix, don’t do this.” 

“I can do it. I have to do it.” He said again. “You would never do this if you actually loved me. I don’t mean hurting me, I mean getting high as fuck.” Felix glared at Chan for a little longer before he started violently rubbing his eyes. 

“I know, I just… I have no idea why I fucking did this, please, just hear me out.” Chan said and stood up, making just one step closer to Felix, but the guilt was growing stronger and instead of approaching his lover, he made a step back from him. “Just… lets calm down and talk about it. I have no fucking idea whats wrong with me. But I love you, okay? Always. Fuck, Felix, I can’t … I can’t believe that I did this..”

“I loved you too, are you happy now? I said it.” Felix said, and hid his face in his hands. “ I was this close to killing you, because you treat me like that. You don’t deserve love, because when someone is trying to help you out of your shit you just spit in their face. I’m fucking disgusted.”

“I know.” Chan replied and looked away, knowing that a lot was happening in his fucked up head right now and he still sensed that he was walking on thin ice. One word could break the remaining patience that Felix had and he was stupid enough to fuck up everything. 

No, he did it. The reminder of what he did was painted on Felix’s face, probably some parts of his body as well. 

So he didn’t do more damage and just turned around, ignoring the pain in his head or the way that his fucking body stopped functioning right and he bumped into the door frame before leaving the room, few moments later leaving the house as well. 

His heart was sinking in a hole of regrets and he knew that even if he blamed someone for giving him a shit crack, the fault was still in his hands for taking it. And if that mistake really cost him losing his only happiness, then Chan promised to kill all the motherfuckers on that party one by one, and then blow up his own fucking brain. 

Felix didn’t deserve a bastard like him, but he still had to be aware that there was no good living in the underground. 

And no matter how good Chan thought he was, he still had a fucked up side of his personality that didn’t seem to disappear. 

What he promised himself when he shut the door closed behind his back and walked towards his car was to kill that part of himself. 

For Felix.

***

  
  
  


Felix said that he loved him in past tense. 

Chan was slowly dying on the inside as he was sitting with his friend, getting another tattoo finished on the side of his neck. 

He couldn’t rest. The entire day Chan had spend with Changbin, telling him about all the shit that he did, telling him about the party, about the brainless argument with Felix and about the fact that he didn’t even leave with his husband. 

Hours later, Chan got busted by some fucker and that fucker was no joke. He was something special. 

Special, because he was about to taste Chan’s guns in his mouth and get his head filled up with their precious bullets. He was special indeed. 

What bothered his mind was that he had time to visit Woojin and ask him to search up security cameras at that party, street cameras, just anything that could lead him to the guy that Chan got high with, but they found no familiar faces. Chan felt desperate, because he had no idea how that little shit looked like. He couldn’t even remember the losers who got wasted with him. What he remembers was the fight with Felix and the face of the douchebag who asked him to follow and gave him the drug that nearly broke his marriage. 

It was Chan’s fault, he knew. Changbin told him the same of course. He blamed Chan for even going to a fucking party, because he knew how jealous he was to see other people surrounding Felix. 

And Chan wasn’t even in condition to protect Felix if anything happened. 

Even worse, he was hurting him. He hurt him…. 

He forced his dick on him. And that probably killed the trust that he had for Chan. 

Felix said that he loved him in past tense. And Chan was too busy regretting his actions and feel like crap. He didn’t even respond and he knew that Felix would never tell him that he loves him again. 

At least Woojin informed him that Felix used his bank card at some cafe, which meant that he wasn’t at home. Chan checked the location and he had no idea where the place was, but Felix wasn’t at college. 

Maybe he visited his friends or something. Maybe he would tell them what shit he was. 

Maybe he was with another man, already showing Chan that he could move on without him. 

Maybe he bought condoms with his card and went to fuck someone. 

The tattoo was done and Chan felt the cooling cream spreading on it when Changbin was done. 

He was getting paranoid. But not knowing where Felix was, was scaring him. Not hearing a word from him was making him feel like dying. Knowing that he didn’t just hurt Felix’s body but his feelings too, was breaking his heart. 

Some would say that Chan got soft. But he gave Woojin the task to find that shit no matter what and bring it to Chan so he could murder him. 

Chan wasn’t soft. He was just dead in love with someone whose heart he promised to protect. Now he broke his promise, he betrayed Felix. And he was going crazy by the thought of losing him. 

Felix said that he loved him in past tense…. 

Chan knew that love couldn’t die just like that. He was sure that Felix still loved him and that motivated him to grab his leather jacket and head towards his car, followed by the confused Changbin. 

“Where the fuck are you going? It's 6 pm.” Changbin said as if that mattered and Chan just opened the door of the car, giving his friend a look.

“I’m going to tell him that I can’t live without him. He can beat the shit out of me again, I don't care. But i can’t just run and hide all day. Woojin will find that little bastard for me. Until then i have to make Felix trust me again.” He said and stared at Changbin’s pretty frown. 

“Dude, you act like a kid. Felix won’t listen to you if you hurt him. Come on, you know how strong he is. He can break you.” His friend said and Chan wanted to agree.

Felix wasn’t just strong. He was the strongest, the prettiest, the craziest. 

“I won’t let him slip away like you did with Hyunjin. I actually put a ring on his finger and swore to him. My life... “ Chan said and his look softened when he started thinking about Felix again. Thinking about his precious smile, his beautifully shaped lips, his smart eyes, his beautiful body and it brought some strong emotion in him that made him tense. “...my life is in his hands, man. If he pushes me away, that's it.”

Changbin kept frowning, but Chan could see his eyes sparkle after he heard his speech. 

Changbin might be a cold hearted dickhead, but he knew Chan and how much he got hooked on Felix. 

After 45 minutes of driving, Chan was back in their apartment, but spending the time there alone created more chaos than he had ever experienced. 

He saw the documents on the table and ripped them. And then destroyed half of their belongings in the rage that he got himself into. 

Chan was losing it, he was losing his rational thoughts, lead by some self destructive thoughts that didn’t let his mind rest. He needed to find Felix and talk to him, he was sure that Felix could print these divorce documents again and force him to sign them so he could get rid of Chan. 

But he couldn’t let Felix do that. He couldn’t let him slip away from his hands because of a mistake that he had done in a fucked up night where he obviously got himself drugged. 

It was wrong to think that Felix was meant to trust him even after such thing. He lost so much after two years of building his life in the right direction. 

Chan knew that he was crying, calling Felix’s phone over and over again, feeling how his emotions were bursting with no warning. He had no control over his body, over his actions, over anything. He had no control over his life as well, because Felix wanted him to end it when he sent these documents. 

Chan could swear that he was going crazy when someone picked up the phone and the voice wasn’t Felix’s deep one, but instead he heard Minho, who was talking to him, but Chan couldn’t hear him. What was happening now? Why was he even crying?

“....Chan, fuck off. Felix is with me, don’t fucking call. If you drag your ass to my house, I swear I will slit your throat, motherfucker.” Minho said but Chan didn’t care. 

He could easily kill that bitch in a matter of seconds, blow up two bullets at his pretty face and watch how his body falls on the ground, lifeless. 

Who the fuck was Minho to keep his Felix away from him? 

“Shut the fuck up, you don’t understand.” Chan said and ended the call, not giving Minho a chance to keep talking shit because he needed to see Felix. 

Chan had been Minho’s guest before, he knew the road to his house painfully good, so that was why he drove to that fucking direction now, shaking and thinking about nothing else but that pile of documents. 

Felix didn’t want him anymore. 

But Felix had no idea that without him, Chan really had nowhere else to go. His family was there, yes, but his dangerous lifestyle would come back to him, crawling from behind until it grab Chan by the throat and kill him. 

Without Felix, Chan would no longer exist. 

He had that life before Felix… after him…. Everything had changed. 

He stopped the car and got out when he got accepted in Minho’s fancy yard, ignoring all the sculptures and lame statues on his way to the front door where two gorillas were guarding. 

They stared at Chan up and down, seizing him carefully and he lifted his hands up so they could feel his hips and see that he came unharmed. 

The men let him inside and that was when his breakdown came with full force. 

Chan was desperate, but when he saw Felix in the living room of Minho’s house, he had no idea what feeling got into him when he stared at his life, sitting there, serious and pretty like he had never been. 

Felix had the expression of someone who wanted to show no emotions. Someone who never loved Chan, but he knew better. He knew what he meant for this boy. 

And he dropped himself on his knees in front of Felix, staring at him through his angry tears. 

“I…. i can’t divorce you.” He told Felix and shook his head, hating even the sound of these words. “Felix, please, you better stop… just fucking stop.”

“You got some balls to really come here even when i told you not to.” He heard Minho’s voice from the side but he couldn’t see anything else but Felix.

“Baby please. I can’t sign that shit.” Chan said and his voice cracked when he held back the urge to let these tears fall. 

“Then i might as well chop off your hand and use it instead of you.” Minho pressed a knife against his throat and Chan wanted to smile, but he was too busy to stare at Felix’s lifeless face. 

He wasn’t even trembling when his friend threatened to hurt Chan. He was just sitting there on that chair, looking like the coldest king who had the most beautiful face, the strongest soul, the only heart that Chan wanted to capture. 

Something in Chan hurt, he could feel the emotion so deep that it made him dizzy. 

In the matter of seconds he snapped the knife out of Minho’s hand and twisted it professionally good, pressing it against his throat with the pure intention to do the job that Minho would never really do. 

He might hate Chan, but he would never harm his life in front of Felix. 

Chan on the other hand…. He had the permission to do that. 

“I wasn’t lying…. When i told you that i can’t fucking live wihout you.” He said and his eyes narrowed at Felix when he pushed the knife a bit and the sharp blade made a precise cut on the same side where he made his tattoo today.

“Then do it. I'm not taking you back.” Felix said coldly. He himself wasn't sure what to expect but he didn't want to break and let Chan back in, so the real bad people could hurt him. 

Chan stared at him, knowing that he was really going to chicken out, but his hand was steady. He couldn’t look away from Felix, but his vision was getting blurred by the disappointed wave of tears that was threatening to fall on his face. 

He really ruined everything that Felix was fighting for, but damn, was he really that weak to let this happen? Was Felix really hating him to let him do this? 

He closed his eyes and two tears slid down, but he shut down his mind and just felt how his heart was beating fast, scared of his own damn intentions. 

A fucking hitman like him, sitting in the legs of his husband like a fucking weak shit who had no life without that guy. 

He really had nothing but Felix. 

Chan pushed the knife deeper and the warm drop that he felt sliding on the side of his neck made his hand tremble. He could have gone for his wrist…. 

And thinking about it made him slide the knife down where his veins were sticking out and took another breath. 

That was it, that was how the great ghost Chan was going to really vanish. 

Felix froze in his place when he saw that Chan was actually gonna kill himself in front of him, and out of reflex he swatted Chan’s hand that was pressing the knife deeper into his skin away and tackled him to the floor. He didn't do anything besides nuzzling in Chan’s neck, where he wasn't bleeding, and started sobbing out incomprehensible words. 

“Idiot…” he sobbed harder and his small hand pressed against Chan’s bleeding wound. “Sweetie… you're a fucking idiot…” He noticed that Chan got a new tattoo, but when he saw what it was his heart clenched painfully and he just lost all his rational thoughts to the urge of saving his husband. 

Chan knew how to manipulate him and Felix was aware of this. Just like the time when Chan tried to kill himself and they ended up married in the end. But he also knew that Chan was desperate to get him back if he was ready to actually stab himself in the throat. He even had the nerve to get a tattoo in a neat writing that said “sweetie” because that was Felix to him. And he got it when Felix kicked him out. It really seemed like Chan didn't have anything but Felix and the truth is the same applies to Felix.

"I can't sign the…" Chan was talking in a weird daze, shaking because Felix was just that close to him and he had no idea what more he was meant to do in order to show his husband that he was just lost. "I can't sign, sweetie, I can't stand being away from you." 

“Why don't you ever think about what I want? Why do you always have to try to kill yourself when I want to leave you?” Felix whined, but he still didn't move away. Chan was warm and he felt safe and no matter what he was trying to tell and show everyone he really missed him. 

“Because I don’t wanna exist in a place where someone else will have you.” Chan said and his hands trembled, he hesitated before putting them on Felix’s face and pulled it away from his neck so he could look straight into his sparkling beautiful eyes. These eyes that always reminded him about what he has, what he has to protect and what he couldn’t afford himself to lose. “The thought is killing me, baby, I’m gonna murder whoever tries to touch you. If you… if you end up loving another bastard, I… I swear…” He couldn’t finish because his hands gripped Felix’s pretty face and he felt desperate to explain that rage that he had in himself but it was impossible. 

“You're so stupid… Do you think I can love more than one person, like… I had a mother, and I loved her I guess… but I feel like you're more important than her… I don't remember her, but I remember you…” Felix said quietly hoping Minho wouldn't be able to hear what he was saying because he was sure he would make fun of him for that later. Chan would never make fun of him and probably that made Felix so open to him. “I'm really confused. When you did all that shit it was like the person who did it wasn't you… and it's so painful to have such terrible memories of you…”

“I wasn’t…. I wasn’t even thinking. I have no fucking idea why that drug made me act like that.” Chan said, trying to go back to himself that night but his thoughts weren’t letting him catch even a single moment. He was doing stuff, controlled by some disgusting emotions and he knew that deep down inside, he must have been thinking about doing such things, but he would never force Felix like that. He would never hit Felix as well. 

“It's a new thing.” Minho spoke from aside but Chan didn’t even look at him, because he was busy to caress Felix’s face. But he was listening. “It works like a hypnosis. You might have been thinking about something, but you might have been influenced to have it at all costs. Felix said that you were high, not drugged. I guess i won’t chop off your balls.”

“Wait, what?” Chan frowned now, hearing something that finally made sense. If Minho wasn’t trolling him or trying to save his ass in order to make Felix forgive him, then he might have finally found a clue.

“It’s very viral right now. Kids use it to fuck. Businessmen use it to keep their hookers. I’m surprised that you don’t know what you fucking inject. Make a confession, Bang Chan, you got yourself wasted that night.” Minho pulled all of his dirty business on display and Chan wasn’t sure if he liked the information. 

He had no memories of injecting drugs. But the guy who found him was a clever bastard…

“And you could have come home.” Felix said and finally pushed himself up and away from his husband. “Why don't you ever listen? You never listen…” Felix fell into that weird cycle of repeating the same phrase and staring down at Chan.

“Woojin tried to find that bastard on the camera.” Chan said, also sitting up but he caught Felix’s hands in his own to keep him close while he finally looked aside to where Minho was spread on the couch, having a frown on his face. “I can’t really remember who he was, but he came right after Felix left. Do you think that this was on purpose?”

Chan was getting in a delicate topic and Minho looked at Felix for just a second. They promised to keep Chan out of it, both he and Hyunjin knew about the threat, but both decided to help Felix. It was going on for a while and that time was killing Felix. He became aware of everything, he was looking over Chan like he never did before and he started getting panic attacks out of the blue, which was troubling his friends. 

Felix thought that he was alone, but he had his friends, no matter that his feelings and love were never really reaching Minho and Hyunjin. 

They knew each other for years and Minho was damn sure that if he was in trouble, Felix would blow up heads for him, even if he was always irritated. 

He still ran to Minho the second when he couldn’t accept the fact that he was losing Chan and that he hurt him while being drugged. 

And Minho was like the keeper of his heart, ready to kill his husband if he dared to act bad with Felix. 

But it was just a part of that nasty game that someone was playing with Felix. 

That guy who drugged Chan could also murder him. Chan could be on the news now, the underground could be weeping right now for the loss of the guy who used to protect or kill. 

And Felix? Felix would go mad, ruin the person who took the life of his husband and then probably take his own life away. 

He wouldn’t stand living with the thought that he got Chan killed. 

And that blonde idiot was looking so interested in what was going on right now, having no idea that there was someone out there who had been threatening Felix for months, telling him that he would kill Chan. 

Felix was on a cross road. To let go of Chan, or no. 

But it seemed like it didn’t matter anymore. The bad guy harmed their relationship, so the war was already on. 

Minho shook his head in Felix’s direction when his friend looked at him. They wanted to keep Chan out of this, but what if that happened again?

“What do you think? Come on, you’re not naturally stupid, Chan” Minho said ironically in the end and heard Chan’s annoyed grunt.

“And you’re not naturally fun. I won’t leave this. Woojin will find that bastard and then he’s gonna feel my guns in his fucking head.” Chan said and squeezed Felix’s hands, bringing them to his lips. “I promise you…. I will never let that happen to me again.”

“Well, it's not all your fault.” Felix started and looked at Minho for support but he decided to kind of allow Chan the honor of knowing what's up. “You're like a baby, really. You're always threatening people, fighting them, killing them, but then when something big happens you become so small and confused. That's why I wanted to protect you from something really bad… it seems that I couldn't.” Felix squeezed Chan's hand, the first time he wasn't impassive since they started the conversation. “I think you should come home so I can protect you.” Was all Felix said and looked at Chan expectantly.

He nodded, breaking into a weak smile as he allowed himself to stop thinking about that bastard who obviously tried to fuck his mind up and if Minho was right, then Chan was about to deal with someone who was finally coming for him. Not Felix, there could be a possibility that he had his own hitman right now, laughing at him from the side, playing games with his marriage. 

He could get paranoid, Chan was sure he could fall in that trap. But he had lived through enough bullshit to stay strong. For Felix. 

Right now what was more important was to be with Felix and apologize. 

“I broke everything.” He said, still smiling as if that was something that he had to be proud of. “Even your family vase that your dad gave you last year. I was angry at you.”

“Uhm… okay, maybe you're not a baby you're a fucking five year old…” Felix blinked at him. “I don't care about that shit anyway. I just care about your stupid ass…” Felix was getting back into their dynamic and that calmed him in a way. Even though there was a threat outside, at least for now Minho was there and he got their backs. 

“I’m…. I’m sorry baby.” Chan dropped Felix’s hands and grabbed his face to pull him for a kiss, not considering that Felix was disappointed and hurt by him anymore. He couldn’t live more than 12 hours without a kiss and Felix was keeping him hungry for too long. 

The guilt, the regrets, everything was tangling in his chest, but he knew that he was too fucking in love with that guy to allow something like that to crush them. 

“I love you.” He mumbled against Felix’s lips and smiled, hoping that Felix would somehow accept the news that he got drugged like a fool.

“I'll think about it…” Felix replied and frowned. He could act tough in front of Chan, he could fake how he felt, but he was scared and he was losing touch with his old cold self. “If I love you, I mean…” 

“Why do I feel like I shouldn’t be watching this…” Minho mumbled from the couch, sucking on a lollipop while the two killers were expressing their feelings for each other. 

It was probably the most desperate and fucked up view for someone. How two of the most important figures in the underground were sitting on the ground, keeping each other close, kissing, and talking about love. 

Chan could never think that Felix would say it. Even in his wildest imaginations, he never dared to daydream about the day when Felix would finally speak up his mind and let his confused heart to accept him. To take him in and beat for him. 

When he heard that Felix would ‘think’ about loving him, Chan felt how his heart burst of emotions and he just stared at Felix, not letting that weakness show on his face because he was scared that Felix would never say something like that if he freak out in front of him. 

“Please love me. I’d die for you.” He said and kissed Felix again. 

“Saying shit like that doesn't help your case.” Felix almost laughed but he managed to hold it so Chan wouldn't feel offended by his reaction. “I mean you already have more than I intended to give you.” 

“Felix, just tell your lawyer to fuck off and take this asshole away from my carpet.” Minho said sweetly, sucking on his lollipop while looking at them, but when Chan paid attention to him, he saw nothing but joy in that weirdo’s eyes. 

“I’d fuck him on your carpet, like you did it in our toilet, I won’t forget it.” Chan said and raised an eyebrow. 

Minho laughed. “What can I say? I just went to wash my hands and Jisung was peeing by himself, so…”

“Let's go home.” Felix pulled Chan up with him and patted his ass lightly. “Seems like we gotta change your diaper.” He smiled sweetly and hoped Minho won't remember this for too long. Felix could treat Chan however he wants, but no one else could disrespect him. 

“Make sure to record it.” his friend said suggestively and Chan was sure that he wasn’t joking. 

That guy probably had many records of how guys were fucking him, probably Jisung was one of the victims as well, but Chan was no one to judge, especially after his own failure. 

He got back on his feet and Minho walked them out of the house, telling them to be careful and there was something in the way that he and Felix looked at each other before Chan drove away. 

He didn’t want to let the paranoia reach any of them, but in their dangerous field, the danger could be peeking out of every corner. 

It was weird this time, because Chan had to keep his eyes on himself instead of on Felix, because he might be the one who would get the bullet in his fucking head if he wasn’t careful. 

But he promised to keep his eyes open, mind sober, body ready to fight back. 

He sealed that promise when they got home and Chan shut the door closed with Felix’s body, crushing him against it the same way that he used to do when they were still fuck buddies with no purpose. 

When they became official, Chan was spoiling Felix, fucking him on nice places, keeping him on the bed or over the table, the kitchen counter, the bathroom. But he kind of lived his habit of taking him like that - impatiently. 

“I’m gonna make you feel better, baby.” He promised when he kissed Felix on the neck, moving his hands under his shirt to feel his warm skin and the second when their bodies bumped together was when he lost his patience again. “God, can you feel how hard I am?”

“Chan…” Felix said and tried to still his husband from being so impatient. “I really missed you.” And although he wouldn't do that if they were in a different situation, Felix started crying while staring at his husband who probably couldn't believe what was going on. 

It really helped to calm Chan’s burning passion down and he pressed their foreheads together, feeling Felix’s breath against his face. 

“I missed you too. I can’t…. I can’t be without you. It's been too long, Felix. If I don’t have you, I have nothing.” Chan said and hoped that he delivered the message right, because he couldn’t let anything bad to happen to them anymore and he didn’t want to make Felix cry ever again. “Please don’t cry for me. I’m here and I need you.”

But Felix kept crying even harder. Chan didn't know what was happening to him all this time and Felix considered himself lucky for not having his anxiety attacks at this moment. 

“You don't understand…” Felix said through his wheepes and pulled in Chan harshly to smash their lips together, probably confusing him even more. 

Chan let him do what his heart wished and if Felix said that he doesn't understand, then he probably really had no idea how that pretty boy felt. They had been together for years and there were still details about Felix that Chan couldn’t figure out. He was like a map that was changing every now and then, confusing Chan no matter what road he was taking. 

But he loved him no matter what, he loved Felix because of that even, and feeling his frustrated kiss against his lips right now made Chan desperate to stop his tears and make him feel good. 

He pulled away and knelt down in Felix’s feet, putting his hands on his belt to undo it, but before he took any action, his eyes rolled up at the other and he hesitated. 

“Can I?”

“I'm not scared of you, idiot…” Felix mumbled and wiped his nose in his sleeve like a child. 

“I don’t know if you… if you want me after what I did.” Chan confessed and shook his head, stilling his hands before he could do something and the feeling of lust and anger mixed in him so bad that he felt how he was getting pissed at himself. 

Felix rolled his eyes in annoyance. His emotions were changing so fast he really didn't realize when just let go of all off his wall and became so bare in front of Chan. 

“Today is your lucky day…” he mumbled and pushed Chan really hard, because he already knew how much force he has to use to take him down. 

“Felix?” Chan asked curiously, pushing his upper body up on his elbows and stared at his husband, still wearing a pretty frown on his face. “If you are gonna turn me down, just…. Just do it nicely.”

“You're so annoying. Just shut up.” Felix said and the look Chan gave him almost broke his heart, but he was sure that after he did what he was about to do he would get heart eyes from Chan for the next 3 years at least. 

He kneeled down to have better access to Chan’s pants and started undoing the button and the zipper slowly just because he knew Chan was eager and Felix still had this sadistic part of him. 

He did pull down Chan’s pans eventually and let his hard cock free in the cold air of their fucked up apartments corridor. 

“I don't think I can do this…” He said and squeezed his eyes as he leaned closer to Chan’s dick and started taking quick short breaths. “Fuck…”

Chan was staring at him, blinking as if when his eyes open and close several times, he was about to see that Felix wasn’t really leaning over his dick like he was actually doing. And to feel his breath against his hardness just made him realize that it was indeed happening and his own breath hitched. 

“F-Felix, b-aby, wh-y?” He stuttered, looking down at how pretty his husband looked so close to his dick, probably feeling disgusted but still doing his best to prove something. What was it?

Instead of giving any reply Felix just stared at Chan and thought about it. Chan would always do whatever Felix wanted, but Felix wouldn't comply to his needs as often. Maybe it was time Felix did what Chan asked for so long so dedicatedly. So he finally leaned closer and grabbed Chan’s dick in his small hand before he released a long breath and his mouth finally, after 2 years, engulfed the head of his cock. He wasn't sure what he was doing, he knew it would be sloppy and Chan wouldn't be very happy about it, but he was trying. He looked at Chan to see his reaction. 

“Fuck.” Chan was losing his mind again, trying not to push his hips up and guide Felix, but a moment after he did it slowly, watching how more of his cock got in Felix’s mouth and damn, the feeling of his thick lips, wrapped around him was so nice that Chan groaned instantly, giving Felix such a fucked up smile that it was almost funny.

They must be insane, both of them. Chan had literally forced himself on Felix, hit him and acted like a freak, and Felix literally asked him to sign a divorce documents on the very next day. Chan was ready to kill himself in front of Felix and the other was now hovering over his dick, sucking it no matter how bad it felt. 

It made Chan feel more in love with this boy. 

“You can just sit on me, sweety… at this point, you’ve done everything for me.” Chan said and fucked his mouth slowly, thinking about love while his right hand caressed Felix on the head affectionately. And then the pleasure took control over him and he laid back on the ground, his head hitting it hard but he didn’t care because he was shaking and tensing, letting Felix hear all of his fucked up moans while he was making his dick impossibly hard. “P-please do it.”

Felix looked at him confused and he immediately let Chan’s dick fall out of his mouth. 

“I'm not swallowing...” He said. 

“Fuck, yes, just …. Just sit on my cock baby, let me fill you up.” Chan said, speaking in the dirtiest way only when he was too desperate to get Felix. But Felix had no idea what he was doing to him, so he wanted to show him. “Undress for me… I’m gonna pay you back for what I did.”

“Oh…” Felix could only say and stood on his knees to do what Chan asked him to. He definitely didn't like the taste of Chan's cock, he didn't like tasting his fucking precum and he wasn't sure why Chan would always want to taste him. He was either a weirdo or he was a fool in love.

Felix pushed down his pants and didn't make any effort to take them off. Once they were down to his calves he let them drop to his ankles and he started pulling his t-shirt over his head throwing it right beside Chan's head. 

“Okay, give it to me.” Felix wasn't really into dirty talking Chan and he could never outdo him in speaking anyway. So much shit was coming out of his mouth, sometimes Felix wondered why did he end up so into the other. But he loved that moment when he knew Chan thinks of him as a God. Like right now. Felix standing above Chan who was just laying on the ground made him feel a thrill that many people would consider fucked up. 

“I like that.” Chan’s hungry stare crossed Felix’s body and he sat up as well, removing his shirt just to give Felix the opportunity to watch over his tattoed body before helped Felix to get out of his pants and boxers, since he was urgent to have the other spread on his lap. When he succeeded to do that, Chan pulled the other over his lap and wrapped one arm around Felix’s waist as he used his left one to stroke himself several times before bringing his hard cock towards Felix’s unprepared hole. He was leaking like fuck, but his mind got busy with disturbing thoughts that Felix might hate it that he was just about to get in him without fingering him beforehand, but damn, when they were urgent, sometimes things like that were getting out of the picture. 

Like now, when Chan slid the tip inside him and heard his pained gasp. Felix was a person who could take a lot of pain, but Chan was taking the same amount when his husband dig his nails in his shoulders and let him slide deeper. 

“I … love you.” Chan said, pushing up to Felix’s body as he got all the way in with that thrust, which made his mind blurred with passion and nothing else. 

“I fucking sucked your cock… you're my bitch now…” Felix said through his grunts and he still managed to smile at Chan in order to make sure he gets what Felix meant. “I don't know what I'll do without you, you know…”

“I’m… here.” Chan said and smirked, biting Felix’s bottom lip teasingly as he kept him close to himself when he started thrusting up in him in a steady pace, feeling Felix’s lips against his own when the other tried to kiss him, but he was mewling so beautifully against Chan’s mouth that it made him proud of how good he could make Felix feel. 

Its been years. Chan knew exactly how to touch him, how to fuck him, how to make him cum within minutes and he started thinking about Felix and what he deserved while he was fucking him like crazy, making out with him even though they were both a moaning mess. 

“Do you want me to touch you, sweety?” Chan asked when he stopped kissing him and damn, one look at how sexy Felix looked while he was buried in him made Chan’s muscles tense. “God, you are so sexy. I swear I’m gonna fuck you everyday.”

“Would that be a new thing?” Felix couldn't miss to make a sarcastic remark at the given opportunity. “Let's get off together. Like the fuckers we are…” Felix smirked at Chan and there was something evil in the way he stared at him. 

“Sure baby.” Chan bit his lip, staring at that pretty little smile and he knew that his mind was already creating plans how to make Felix cum, but his actions were faster. He slid his right hand down and wrapped his fingers around Felix’s cock, admiring how hard it was for him. Felix was rarely letting him know that he was hitting his sweet spot while he was fucking him, but Chan was getting aware of that when he was catching him in his hand later, pulling Felix’s evert string while he was stroking him to his release. 

Right now he did it fast, hearing his sweet moans against his ear and Felix was holding him so hard that he got more into it with the passing seconds. His thrusts became messy, his own body was shaking from pleasure and he closed his eyes, stroking Felix until he felt him clench around his cock. The last fucked up groan came out louder and Felix came in his hand so hard that his strong body shook in bliss. Chan felt bad that he had his eyes closed because he probably missed the most beautiful sight - of his lover, cumming just because he felt good. And to know that he was the reason for that made Chan thrust up into him until he came as well, filling up his sexy butt just like he loved to. 

They were both nasty, desperate to feel more, too breathless to kiss and shaky because of their hard orgasms. Chan was the first one to move, still lazily stroking Felix as if that was going to bring him down from his high and he placed wet kisses along Felix’s shoulder and collar bones, worshipping his sweaty skin. 

“Damn, I love it when you go crazy on me.” Chan said and smiled lazily, feeling a bit dizzy after the pleasure got out of his system. 

“About that blowjob…” Felix started but didn't finish since he was too embarrassed to think about it. But it was what Chan whined about all this time so he wanted to know if he did okay. 

“I think I fell in love with you again.” Chan said and laughed, moving his lips to Felix’s jaw, then to his lips and he stopped there, smirking at the other. “You look so sexy with my dick in your mouth…. Its been 3 fucking years. And you just… you took it so good.” 

“Chan.. sorry to disappoint you but I didn't like it.” Felix stared at Chan seriously. “Why do you like doing it… it's terrible…” 

“Cuz i’m nasty.” Chan said and kissed him again, wrapping his arms around his waist to keep him close. “You like it though, you call me your bitch when i go down. Does it make you feel dominant or something?”

“You know I'm the one in control… Like I do everything, I'm such a power bottom aren't I?” Felix giggled and rubbed his nose against Chan’s. His small hand was already buried in Chan's messy hair and he felt this warm feeling on the inside. “Missed sleeping with you…” 

“The bedroom is the only room that I didn’t dare to break.” Chan said and his hands moved down on Felix’s ass but he felt like he was melting in his hands now, shivering by the nice feeling of that hand stroking his hair. “Wanna go there and rest?”

“Yeah..” Felix said quietly and hugged Chan tightly because he expected to be carried all the way to their bed like the king he was in that household.

And Chan had to struggle to stand up of course, realizing how messy they were and how they would make dirty their bed. Maybe he could take Felix to the shower right after he gave it to him one more time in their bedroom and erase all of the disgusting memories that Felix was holding of him in his pretty head. 

Chan couldn’t allow himself to be hated by his husband. He realized the value of what he had right when he was about to lose it. And it was crazy how people were getting desperate when their life was about to slip from their hands because of one shitty night. 

Now, now Chan had everything again. He was holding it in his arms, dropping it down on the bed way too carelessly and damn, that pretty frown on Felix’s face was always making him smile. 

“We are not done yet.” Chan said and hovered over his lover, spreading his legs wide enough to move back where he belonged. 

It didn’t matter that someone tried to separate them, it didn’t matter that someone was probably after him, thinking to do more harm. 

Chan wasn’t a fool. But he knew that if he let something bad happen to him, he would let the most precious person for him feel hurt and devastated. 

He couldn’t leave Felix, he figured. 

But somewhere on the back of his head he started wondering…. 

When was the last time that he held his twin guns in his hands? Where did they go?

* * *

Sooo if you really thought that they will stay separated for long..... i hope this chapter made you happy hahah  
Thanks for the positive comments, i like reading your thoughts of the story and its gonna get a bit darker now, but don't lose hope for a good ending :D  
Those two are always fucked up, so they will find a way back to themselves ! Thanks for the comments and please, keep doing it hahah


	4. C’est lui que mon coeur a choisi.

Felix was sore when Chan beat him up and tried to rape him, then he started getting better but the previous night Chan decided to be a bit rough with him and Felix didn't feel too well when he rolled over to the other side of the bed and the feeling of the action made him remember everything from the previous day. He expected to find Chan next to him, but the other wasn't there. He didn't think too much of it at first because he just woke up and tried to come to his senses but a dreadful feeling started eating him up from inside.

He thought he was probably overthinking but he decided to check if Chan is in the shower before he starts panicking. On the way to the bathroom he looked in the rooms he passed by and the fact that he didn't hear running water in the shower made his chest feel really heavy and he started trying to calm himself down. He could just call him, maybe Chan went out. He went back to the corridor where his pants were lying on the floor and put his hand in one of the pockets when his eyes stopped at a white sheet of paper sticking under his front door. 

Felix had a feeling that he knew what that is and his hands started shaking violently when he picked up the piece of paper. _“I told you I'll get your boy.”_ The scribbles on the sheet said. It was the same font he had been seeing all this time on the notes with threats he had received, and Felix knew it was the same person who wanted him to stay away from Chan. He knew he had to think of what to do and find Chan. Quick. But when he dropped the paper his body started reacting to the stress and he already knew what was about to happen. He tried to take deep breaths and calm himself down before he loses himself in another one of the anxiety attacks he had been having. 

He fell to the floor. Still fully naked and tried to find his phone and call Minho. He couldn't stop it, he had to wait it out before he could call Minho and he tried to breathe but the feeling in his chest was projecting the feeling in his mind. He couldn't calm himself down until a while later. He couldn't go and find his pills because his brain wasn't thinking properly at that moment when he knew Chan was in danger. Luckily, he had Minho’s number on speed dial so when he mindlessly grabbed at his phone he could quickly contact his friend. 

"It's 11 am and you call me….. Felix, is everything Okay?" his friend asked when he picked up, sounding a disturbed. 

“Th...they got him… they have Chan.” Felix said, and as if saying it out loud made him realize what was actually happening Felix dropped his phone and slid down to the floor. His naked ass hit the tiles on the floor in their corridor and he started pulling at his hair nervously. “Oh my God… they got Chan,” he started mumbling to himself completely ignoring Minho who was still on the phone calling his name.

  
  


***

Minho was driving his car, stepping on the gas pedal like crazy, driving towards Felix’s apartment building with Hyunjin on the backseat, literally freaking out. He couldn’t hear what Hyunjin was whining about, but whatever it was was probably related to Felix and the fact that the fucker who was chasing after him for months was probably inside their apartment when they went back home, did God knows what and went to sleep like fools. 

Chan mentioned something about breaking the whole apartment, so that was a good cover for the freak. 

The possibilities were many, but Minho was the only person in that situation that didn’t call Chan’s family and announce he's missing, because that would make the whole underground start a war. 

He wasn’t sure if it was wise, but he contacted Jisung, asking him about that hacker who was hiding in one of his clubs. That Woojin guy who was famous for stalking people with basically no information about them beforehand. 

Minho told Jisung to tell that boy specifically serious that Minho would stab him in the neck with a dagger if he doesn’t find Chan. 

Whoever the fuck took him was palnning a revenge on Felix and he just destroyed him. 

Fucking with Felix meant fucking with his snakes. Hyunjin might be pretty useless, but Minho was having his own tricks and rational thinking even in the worst times. 

When he stopped the car in the parking lot he handed Hyunjin a small gun and told him to look after his skinny ass and both of them moved to the apartment, finding it open. 

Minho had been taking part in robbery before, when he was getting hired by idiots who were wasting their time and lives on stealing from each other and he knew the signs. 

Hyunjin broke in and freaked out almost instantly, but Minho took a moment to look at the door, noticing just a few meaningless scratches. 

How did the freak get in that apartment? Was Chan stupid enough to open the door without a gun in his hand, or the man who kidnapped him was really already inside the apartment? 

“Felix, hey, oh fuck, what do I do now?” Hyunjin’s voice was cracking and Minho looked away from the door to see Felix on the ground, barely responding to Hyunjin’s weak tries to communicate with him. 

“He is in fucking shock, can you stop being useless?” Minho frowned at his friend and stepped towards them, noticing the damage that Chan did everywhere while they carried Felix to the living room together. 

The vases were broken. The glass cupboards too, the table was kind of flipped and there were pieces of papers everywhere. Chan must have had some fun there while he was destroying his own fucking house. But was that all his doing? Or the man who took him away became a part of this?

What if they fought? Chan was a fucking boxer, he would knock out everyone. 

It couldn’t be that… 

“I’ve never seen him like that.” Hyunjin was walking in and out of rooms, pulling up a blanket to cover Felix, then went to get a wet towel, water, all kinds of useless shits and Minho was watching over him, before he had enough of that bullshit. 

He pulled out one knife and threw it at his friend, startling him when the blade hit the wall and Hyunjin rolled his eyes on him with the most beautiful frown. 

“Are you going insane as well? As if that apartment doesn’t look like shit already.” Hyunjin yelled at him and Minho’s eyes screwed. 

“You act like a fucking housemaid. Get your shit together, we need to think. Felix would want us to fucking find Chan.” Minho yelled and Hyunjin got angry at him, laughing at what he said. 

”So you suggest we leave him like this? Fuck off, Minho, Felix needs us.” The boy said and pulled his phone out, dialing some number. 

Minho stared at him curiously, walking over to Felix to sit down on the couch where he was laid and pulled the blanket over his shoulders, just to prove that bitch Hyunjin wrong. Of course he was thinking about Felix, but Felix would die for Chan, so Minho had to think of Chan first. 

And then Hyunjin took the most fucked up decision. 

“I’m calling Changbin. Chan is his fucking friend.” He said and instead of calling, he just texted Changbin, because he was a pussy. 

“Oh so now Changbin is our hero. Felix would put a bullet in your head. But you have a point. At least that fucker needs to know.” Minho agreed and sighed, trying to wake up Felix without doing more damage. His hand caressed his soft face and he could feel how Felix was shaking slightly. 

For a moment, Minho started thinking about Felix. To wake up alone, in this broken apartment, searching for his husband only to find out that he was gone. 

What if Chan was dead?

His hand traced Felix’s pretty face and he felt how his stomach clenched when he studied the frown, the way that Felix’s jaw was clenched… Minho couldn’t even imagine how his friend felt. 

He couldn’t imagine how Felix would feel if he wakes up to the bad news that Chan wasn’t going to come back. That was going to ruin Felix. 

“We have to …. Find him.” Minho mumbled, biting his bottom lip as he let that bad emotion to take control over him and it was bad, he knew that it was bad, because they needed to act instead of think of the worst. 

The truth was that some crazy fucker wanted something from Felix. He wanted him to leave the only person that he loved. And they let that fucker take away the meaning of Felix’s life. 

That was indeed a war. 

“He is coming.” 

“Who?” Minho asked absently and looked up to see Hyunjin walking around like crazy, picking up the broken pieces of glass, doing things just to distract himself from the situation. 

Minho couldn’t blame him, Hyunjin wasn’t literally part of the underground. He wasn’t involved in crimes, killing, nasty deals. He was just an ordinary rich brat who just happened to be living a luxury life as the heir of a fucking millionaire. He wasn’t meant to know what to do or to be able to help. 

So he let Hyunjin do what he wanted now, while he gently woke up Felix with few slaps on his soft cheek. 

“Felix, your ass is still naked. Not that I don’t like it, but you need to jump in some clothes. We need to get your boy back, baby.” He said, feeling angry even by mentioning that, because he couldn’t even be sure if Chan was still alive. 

But if he wasn’t…. That fucker who took him away from Felix would already deliver the bad news. Which he didn’t.

Felix looked at Minho and it was evident on his face how tormented he felt on the inside. The pained look he gave to his friend was probably something Minho has never seen before coming from Felix. 

“We gotta save Chan… they got him… I didn't know…” Felix mumbled and grabbed Minho’s arm to shake him even more violently than when he was pulling out his hair. He didn't move from his place he kept squeezing Minho's arm while ranting about this being his fault. 

“We will get him” Minho said, letting that anger to boil and burn all of his worries. Watching how Felix was losing his mind was worse than watching him cry because of that idiot Chan. He just realized how important Chan was for his friend, because his eyes were speaking more than his words. Felix’s eyes looked so empty and distracted that Minho had no idea if that was really his friend. 

“When I get my hands on him, I will take his eyes out, then cut his fucking tongue… chop his fingers one by one…”

“Minho, are you trying to give me more nightmares? What the fuck is wrong with you, Jeez.” Hyunjin came back with another glass, this time sticking two pills in Felix’s mouth and kind of forced him to gulp them down. Maybe he wasn’t that useless after all. Felix took the pills and he was about to start abusing his hair again when Hyunjin picked both of his hands and kept them in his own. “He looks so….”

“Don’t say it. He will be fine.” Minho said, moving to the couch opposite of where Felix was laying and kept his eyes on him, letting the time fly. 

They weren’t doing anything. An hour passed and Felix looked more relaxed, Hyunjin was still holding his hands, talking some comforting words in his ear, probably telling him everything that Minho couldn’t lie about. 

So he kept his distance from them until the door of the apartment opened and all three of them looked at the door of the living room, just to see that Changbin and Jisung came, looking just as pissed as Minho was. 

And of course Hyunjin let go of Felix and ran towards Changbin, wrapping around his neck like a leech, whining about what the fuck happened and probably expected his ex boyfriend to take care of him, but Changbin looked so pissed, nodding at everything that Hyunjin was telling him. 

Jisung on the other hand was more sexy- walking over to Felix just to look over him, wearing his usual stoic expression and damn, if they weren’t in such a fucked up situation, Minho would jump on him. 

But he just kept sitting on his couch, watching over everyone else without saying a word. 

“You're all here?” Felix asked, his raspy voice sounding more quiet than usual. 

“Felix, are you okay?” Changbin said and pulled away from Hyunjin just to join Jisung and check up on the blonde.

“Chan…” Felix remembered and got up to a sitting position. The blanket slid off of him and it exposed his naked torso for everyone to see. “Chan would have hated it if he knew you're looking at me like that…” He added and tried to collect himself. He was sure Chan was gone but he wasn't sure what happened after he saw the note. “Where's Chan?” Felix looked up at the group of acquaintances and waited for the worst.

Hyunjin looked as if he had just had a heart attack, the two best friends of Chan were still frowning and Minho hated it that he had to be the one serving the bad news again. 

  
He sighed and caught Felix’s eyes for a moment, shaking his head. “We will find him.” He said and knew that Felix would freak out again, so he stood up quickly and grabbed Jisung’s wrist, pulling him closer to himself so he could ask more privately. “Did you tell that hacker? When is he gonna start looking for Chan?”

“Of course. Don't worry Woojin is really fast, especially if Chan’s life depends on it.” Jisung replied to his boyfriend but Felix heard everything and this rubbed him the wrong way. However this time he was a lot more collected. 

Felix jumped off the couch, holding the blanket in a way it would cover at least his private parts and announced that he would be taking a shower. 

“I'll be right back… I need to look presentable when I go around torturing people until I find Chan.” He didn't pay attention to all of the weird looks his friends were giving and wrapped the blanket securely around his waist. 

His steps were steady and he knew he was putting a great show. He didn't want them to think he can't handle this. The second he got into the bathroom he released a tense sigh and turned on the water. It was a great cover for his tears. He couldn't allow himself to be weak in such moment so it was okay if he cried under the water, no one would know. He had to be the old cold Felix who didn't care about feelings. He couldn't break down and get distracted. If he gets distracted he would lose time and time was so precious in situations like this. 

***

Felix was barely an adult when he met Chan. They jumped into marriage quickly and Felix's personality changed in a way that no one expected. It was obvious that at this point Felix would do anything for Chan and becoming more open and nicer to his friends was one of the things Chan thought. Still, Felix had trust in Chan in a way he had never trusted anyone. 

It was hard to adjust to Chan, but adjusting to life without Chan was even worse to Felix. There was no mornings shared with grumpy Chan who would whine at Felix not to go to class. No breakfast on the weekends when Chan would go out late to do his shitty job just to spend some time with Felix. Felix was spoiled and used to getting attention. He liked Chan being around and even though it was confusing he couldn't let go of the idea that he lived in a world where Chan existed and he got to spend limited time with him only to lose him. And he blamed himself for everything. 

Maybe if they didn't get married Chan would be still alive. Even though it's been almost a week since Chan disappeared without any trace nobody else but Felix had lost hope. 

Felix knew he should probably adjust to the thought that Chan is gone and he should find the people who did it. He wanted to set them all on fire and every time he looked at his phone screen he would feel that pain. Like a lump was stuck in his throat and he was gonna suffocate because this is how much it sucks to have only one person in your life that matters. He hated the picture he used as a background - fucking Chan smiling at the camera while squeezing an unimpressed Felix by the waist. Always so fucking clingy. 

Felix would stare at it for hours dreading the thought he'll receive Chan’s body and he'll break down before he's able to avenge him. He wanted to shut off his emotions and do what he had to. Even if Chan was gone. He had to hold it up for a while, until they finish what had been started. Felix hadn't planned what he’d do with himself but he had to keep it together in front of his friends so they don't think he'll do something weird while they're gone. 

They were all in Felix's wrecked home. They were trying to find who had Chan but Felix was just quietly sitting by himself, not listening to what Minho was saying. The pictures around the house were way too distracting for Felix. Chan looked happy in all of them and Felix knew it was because he's with Felix. Chan was always so obsessed with him, to a point Felix would think it's normal but even Felix's father would make fun of them. It was too hard. To look at things that became memories. Felix hated happiness. He missed the time when he was full of hatred and he wanted to destroy anything on his way. And that was what he was about to do. 

He abruptly got up from the couch opposite Hyunjin and Minho and crossed the distance to the nearest shelf where was standing a framed picture of him and Chan at a dinner with their friends, and Hyunjin took a picture of them while Chan was knocking the air out of Felix's lungs by squeezing him too tightly. Felix was pouting about something but Chan was happy. He was smiling. 

“Stupid happy Chan.” Felix mumbled and grabbed the frame only to smash it against the edge of the shelf. 

"Felix, are you okay?" Hyunjin asked and frowned at his friend, snuggling closer to Minho, who's eyes were following Felix's every move carefully. "You know that Chan loves that photo, he didn't break it, why would you?" 

“I hate him so much. I can’t look at his pictures. I can’t… What if he’s dead… It’s all my fault. I didn’t want him because I was scared this would happen one day, and… it did… but it’s all my fucking fault.” Felix said calmly. He was showing that numbness he was so used to before he met Chan and it calmed him in a way. “I’m gonna destroy every single thing that reminds me of him…”

"BUT HE IS NOT DEAD" Hyunjin yelled when Felix's words probably touched his gentle heart and his angry eyes were making holes in Felix's face now. "Just because Woojin didn't call yet, it doesn't mean that Chan…." 

"The crazy motherfucker never called after he left the note." Minho reminded them just in case one of them forgot that tiny detail. The fate of Chan's life was dark and the more they waited the colder Felix became. 

"Who's side are you on? The kidnapper?" Hyunjin yelled now at Minho and stood up from the couch, moving to collect the framed photographs before Felix could break them. "You two are always like this." 

“I… think we should drop the case.” Felix said, sounding calmer than everybody else in the room. “Good thing we didn’t get to the point where I actually fall in love with him and feel guilty about his death…” Felix almost sounded convincing until his voice cracked. “You should chill…”

Minho and Hyunjin stood silent. None of them judged Felix anymore or said something that woujld hurt him. Hyunjin was naive in a way, he always got what he wanted and never suffered by the loss of a family member or a friend. Minho had no idea how it felt to lose your life, because for the past few years Chan became Felix's reason to change. To smile or laugh, or be disgustingly sweet with that idiot. Watching them from aside was making Minho wonder about love. 

Wonder about Jisung and how he made him feel. He tried to understand how Felix must feel now when he tried thinking of losing Jisung. 

If one morning someone called Minho and invited him to Jisung's funeral for example. His heart was always making weird flips when he thought about it. 

"Drop the case?" Minho looked away and was surprised to see Changbin on the doorway of the living room, looking dark and pissed. None of them heard him when he got inside the room but Minho could predict what was going to happen next when he and Felix bump into each other. 

"Don't fucking scratch Chan from the list, do you hear me, Felix?" Changbin said and stepped closer to the blonde, picking up the photo of the broken frame next to Felix. "He's not fucking dead. Get your shit together and wait for the call." 

“Fucking shut up.” Felix’s emotionless eyes stared at Changbin. “You should have been the one who fucking died. You put Chan through so much shit!” Felix spat at Changbin’s face at and poked his chest with his small finger. “He was a fucking mess when I finally got to him, and because of your shit he was that easy to be lulled by some idiot who offered him drugs. I swear I’ll fucking kill you…”

“But it wasn’t what got him in a trap, come to your fucking senses.” Changbin yelled back at him and the other two in the room finally moved to create distance between them. Hyunjin grabbed Changbin on the hand and pulled him away and Minho just stood between them just in case. But Changbin looked upset, because that didn’t stop him from giving Felix more reasons to feel fucking bad. “All my fucking life I did what he wanted me to do. I was the fucking guy who made him step out of the damn hole that he was stuck in when he was captured for the first time. He was a mess, but he wanted to live like that because he had a fucking hard time, okay? Then you … he met you and he fucking changed. He will never let go of you, so don’t you fucking dare to do that now.”

Felix frowned thinking about what Changbin said. “So you did what he wanted? Are you fucking retarded? Do you know how many times I had to do some weird shit so he doesn’t run away from the fucking rehab? Cuz that’s what he wanted? Are you fucking stupid??” Felix was so mad, he couldn’t hold it anymore and lunged forward just enough so he could swing his small fist at Changbin’s face. “Are you fucking stupid?” He asked again and this time his eyes seemed so scary, and that was a look which no one had ever seen on him. He grabbed Changbin’s collar and swung once more. “God, I was waiting for this…”

Hyunjin panicked one more time, stepping away from them while Minho was just silently waiting for Felix’s outburst to end, since he trusted that Changbin could handle some fists and he honestly deserved the first three. But then the black haired dude grabbed Felix’s hand and stopped him from doing more damage to his face and instead of hitting back, he just shoved that happy photo against Felix’s chest. 

“Can you give up on that? Were you fighting his addiction for so long so you can let him die in some fucking bacement? What’s wrong with you?” Changbin was definitely brave, yelling back at Felix while his lip was bleeding and his eye was getting swollen. “Look at that fucking photo and tell me that you wanna give up on him.”

“That shit doesn’t work on me. I never loved him, I don’t care about this picture… I was just confused… for 2 years or something.” Felix said quietly but he wasn’t feeling better after he tried to get his anger out on Changbin. He was confused, he wasn’t feeling calm, he was tense and he still hated something. What exactly, he wasn’t sure, but it probably wasn’t Changbin.

“I never told you this…” Changbin said and pulled the photo back, looking at it and it looked like this whole thing got him too angry or upset, because he slid his back on the wall and just sat down, looking at that captured moment when his best friend was living his happiest days. “On your wedding day, Chan wasn’t nervous at all. He was a fucking sunshine and I remember talking about it with Jisung while Chan was counting the minutes so time could pass faster and he will get to see you again. He made me swear to him that if shit goes bad, I’m not allowed to let you move on, okay? Very, very selfish, but that’s Chan. He said that if something happens to him, I should protect you for him. It’s happening now. I’m fucking sorry, Felix, but I can’t turn my friend down. I won’t let you forget about him.”

“I know.” Felix said. It was really painful for him to listen to this, because it sounded so much like Chan, he almost forgot he wasn’t there with them. “I wasn’t planning to anyway.” Was all Felix said before he just slumped down on the couch that wasn’t too far behind him. At least Chan didn’t break it. “He’s a fucking idiot… I told him.. I wouldn’t…”

“It’s because he always thought that you are the only person who will always keep him alive. He never used the word love, but he was thinking about it.” Changbin said and looked aside when Hyunjin sat next to him and kind of hugged him, even though they were long done with each other, the action seemed to calm him down and Changbin just sighed, keeping the photo in his hand. “Whatever happened….”

“Shut the fuck up.” Minho said angrily when his phone buzzed in his pants and he was still pissed that Changbin chose to be pathetic and talk about Chan in past tense as if they were at his fucking funeral now and already mourned him. Which actually hurt Felix. But the name that he saw on his screen made his eyes widen and he picked up quickly. “Jisung, did he call? Woojin, did he find where Chan is kept?” 

“He did. But we have to leave now, he’s been kept there for too long, we don’t know if…” Jisung made a pause and didn’t finish his sentence, but he was sure Minho would get it.

“Send me the location and meet us somewhere.” Minho said seriously, taking the attention from everyone in the room. His heart started racing and even if his mind got loaded by bad thoughts, he would never tell Felix that what they could find now could be Chan’s corpse. No, he was going to give him hope, because for the first time in his life he wished Felix could be lucky and get his Chan back alive. He hung up the call and turned to the others, gripping his phone hard. “They found him. Get your fucking guns and move.”

***

Die alone. 

The wound was getting carved on his skin everyday by the same person. Same fucking dude with a black mask on his face and nasty dark eyes that mocked him daily while he was using the same knife that he was leaving in front of the door. Just to tease him. 

Chan had lost the ability to count seconds or minutes, days. He had no idea where he was, but he knew that he was doomed. 

His thoughts were drifting to Felix most of the time, he knew that his husband was probably devastated, blaming him for being a weak shit who let someone break into their home and catch him in a trap. 

Chan nearly forgot how it happened. The memories of that morning were getting dull because of the constant thirst that he felt. His lips were painfully dry, his body was fucking weak and when he woke up some time ago, he discovered another disability - he couldn’t feel the pain anymore. 

His wrists were chained up, his neck and legs as well. They kept him like a dog in a cage for so long that he started to wonder who he was. 

He wasn’t the mighty ghost of the underground. That dude would cut his own arm and leave that fucking cage, he wouldn’t give up on his life. 

But these bastards were smart. As if knowing his only fear, they used it to break Chan’s will and turn him into a living puppet. 

The wound on the side of his abs was a rotting proof that he was dying. If he had to think about it, his blood was probably infected by it and he was slowly going to die. He feared that wound the first hours. He knew that not taking care of it would make it infected. But that fucker was coming back every day, just to stick the blade of that fucking knife back in and repeat it over and over and over again. 

Chan was indeed going to die alone. 

He forgot what that person was talking to him, even. He remembered his words because he promised to himself that once that he get free from the chains, he would fucking repeat them and blow up that motherfucker’s face. But Chan broke his own promise. 

He gave up on the fear in the second when he saw flames coming close to him. He could still hear his own screams when that burner machine made another scar, destroying the piece of art that Changbin created. The tattoo that matched the one that Felix had on his thigh. 

What was it? 

Chan had no idea anymore, because it was just a burnt flesh now, it was destroyed. 

He couldn’t move because of the fresh pain in his stomach today. He assumed it was night, because he heard the fucker talking about some club when he came to cut his flesh. This time he didn’t leave the knife in front of the cell, maybe because he realized that Chan was losing his senses and it was useless to tease him. 

What was the point in doing it, when he wasn’t himself anymore? Christopher Bang was dead, Bang Chan was also dead, Felix’s husband was dead, the Bang hitman was gone. 

Then who was he? 

That question was bothering his mind and thinking about it was easier than thinking about Felix. Thinking about Felix always made his heart clench badly. He betrayed Felix so he didn’t deserve to think about him. To think of hope or make a final try to escape. 

Chan lost his chances in the moment when they wrecked him and he let the trauma to slow him down. If he had low chances of escaping before, now he had none. 

His father probably told everyone that he died, somehow. If nobody came to find him, then nobody would come. 

Chan’s heavy eyes were closing with the image of a pretty face. The prettiest face. He started seeing the sharp lines of the most beautiful lips he had ever seen. Smiling, pouting, spelling his name. Then he imagined these deep sparkling eyes that held his whole life there. They reflected what Chan used to be, what he had to be. He had no idea why he stopped seeing that face before, but it was so vivid that it hurt. 

He heard a gunshot in the distance, it echoed through the walls and it died in silence. 

The sound got repeated again, and again, and again. 

It sounded so familiar to Chan that it distracted him from his silly memories. 

He started thinking about some guns. Someone’s guns. Their handles were perfectly matching a pair of hands that knew how to hold them. How to use them. 

Chan’s eyes opened when he heard a scream closer to him. He tried to focus on it, but it was too hard to move a muscle. Someone probably came to kill these motherfuckers here. Chan wanted to smile, snicker at them even, but he was still the one who was laying down with no shirt on and with a wound on his fucking abs that was saying- die alone. 

At least they would die too. And Chan could be sent to Felix so he could burry him in their family backyard. 

Suddenly, Chan wished that whoever came to kill the bastards would miss coming to this basement to find him. Maybe they would be generous to put a bullet in his head and leave him there. At least the history wouldn’t say that Chan was kidnapped and tortured to death, because that was pathetic. 

But he was unlucky, because some more gunshots broke the silence and then he heard the opening of that fucking door, then foot steps that approached him and the sound finally reached his cell. 

He was staring at the wall because he couldn’t move anymore, when someone turned him on his back. The action was so painful that Chan nearly screamed, realizing that his infected arm got scratched on the dirty floor and it made his eyes shut closed by a bad weak habit. 

More tortures, more tortures, more tortures…

“Don’t you dare to die on me, brother.” He heard someone saying that, but the voice was kind of quiet, unfamiliar. 

Chan hissed in pain, then the hiss turned into scream when that person picked his wounded arm and tried to get it out of the chains. 

Chan finally reached the end of his suffering when the metal fell down loudly and he couldn’t bear the pain anymore. 

He fell down, probably dying. 

  
  


***

Chan woke up by a nightmare. He barely had those, but when his eyes snapped open, he could feel his fast beating heart and a moment after everything else. 

His body was sweating and when he tried to move, he felt as if million needles stabbed his skin at once. He heard himself grunt but it was still too fucking quiet. 

He figured that he was staring at a ceiling. Familiar forms were prettily covering the angles, decorations that Felix picked by himself on their second anniversary.    
He said that it looked old fashioned, but Chan still loved it. 

Was he at home?

His heart sunk and he felt tears forming on the edges of his eyes. He couldn’t look aside. 

He couldn’t look aside. He couldn’t look aside. 

Small panic wrapped around him when he started to come back to his senses. When he started to think. 

What the hell was happening now? Was he dead? Is this heaven?

The tears slid to the sides of his face and he tried to lick his lips, only to find them as dry as he last remembered them. He knew that his condition was bad. 

He knew that his body probably lost its glorious form, he knew that his face was broken by these fuckers and their hard punches on his first day in the basement, Chan knew that his arm was fucking burnt, matching the other one with the ugliest scar. He was aware that he had another scar that was infected, that had to kill him before Felix see him in that weak condition…. 

But one look aside made him hold back his breath and die with every passing second. 

Lee Felix was sleeping there. No, he wasn’t a Lee, was he? He was a Bang now, he was Chan’s only reason to live. 

And he betrayed Felix. 

Felix was holding his hand, sleeping on the bed next to him. Or he used to sleep, because his eyes were open now, staring back at him. 

Chan’s lips trembled and he looked away in shame, not daring to face Felix. 

His million thoughts mixed up badly in his head and he felt how the rush of adrenaline finally send power to his limbs and he pulled his hand away from Felix, sitting up. 

The sharp pain in his stomach reminded him of the fucking scar that he wore and the only thing that rolled in his head now was - hate. 

He hated himself, he hated that moment, he hated that room, he hated Felix for looking at him with his shocked pretty eyes. 

Chan dug his hands in his hair and bend his head down, trying to get rid of the voices, of the bad thoughts, but they were so fucking loud that he couldn’t manage to handle them. 

It was impossible. 

“Don’t look at me.” He said with dry voice, knowing that he was too weak and disgusting to face Felix now. “Get the fuck out of here.”

“Chan…” Felix whispered looking terrified at Chan’s back. “I know you hate me for not showing up earlier, but we really tried to find you.” Felix sat up and tried to touch Chan somewhere to comfort him, but his hand dropped in the air. “I really… I know it’s my fault but please don’t hate me…” Felix kept mumbling at Chan’s back.

Chan tried to remember. He really tried, but he had no idea how to go back there. The damage was done. Whenever he thought about that basement, he remembered his own scream, the fire and the knife. They did him too fucking good, aiming for the only weakness that he had. 

It wasn’t Felix’s fault. It was Chan’s. 

“What did he say?” Chan said, like crazy, rocking back and forth slowly. “What did he say when he was about to die? Did he laugh? He did… I know he fucking did.”

“What?” Felix blinked, but decided to follow Chan and jumped off the bed. He really wanted to touch Chan, but he wasn’t sure where he was hurt and Chan seemed like didn’t want to have anything to do with Felix. But Felix started realizing why Chan was so obsessed with touching Felix all the time. Felix felt like laughing now that the tables have turned and he had to be the one who had to be cautious with Chan. “Chan. Look at me.” He said sternly popping off in front of Chan, which made him stop in his steps. “Chan. Please.”

He did. But his eyes couldn’t bear that look that Felix had in his own. He couldn’t see the universe reflecting there, he couldn’t see his future there. All that he saw was his own damned reflection and he hated it. 

And just then he looked at himself. He followed the bandaged arm, the cuts on his chest, the bandage that covered his stomach. He wore only boxers and it was fine now, when everything was covered in white. But he knew that in the moment when these bandages get taken away from him, his cover was going to crumble. He was going to crumble. 

It happened before, it would happen now too. And Chan couldn’t let Felix be around him when that happen. 

“This is…. This is not me.” He said and looked back into Felix’s eyes, shaking his head. “I can’t…. I can’t stop thinking. I can’t stop thinking about him.” His hands landed on Felix’s shoulders and he gripped the other so hard that it probably hurt. “Tell me how did he fucking die. That motherfucker who did this to me. Tell me how did he die.”

“You know I took care of it… You wouldn’t want to hear about it, you don’t like this stuff.” Felix said, but his eyes started tearing up when he remembered the state Chan was in, when they found him. It made Felix so mad, he just jumped the guy and sliced him into pieces while he was still alive. Jisung didn’t want to watch, and he pulled Chan out of there along with Changbin. But at least Minho was there to help. The guy didn’t handle the pain for too long, but Felix couldn’t stop until his whole body looked like minced meat. 

Mentioning that made Chan’s stomach twist. He felt so sick for a moment that he pulled away from Felix and just sat down on the bed, shutting his mouth with his palm. He wanted to vomit, but there was nothing in his stomach. Just a natural reflex. 

The feeling of fear threatened to creep under his skin again and he pulled his hand away, looking down at it. It was all bandaged, paying attention to it now, this time even his fingers got burnt. 

Changbin wouldn’t be able to recover it. 

“M-my tattoo.” He said, feeling his eyes wet with angry tears. “He fucking destroyed it. Me… he destroyed me.”

“No, he didn’t.” Felix almost shouted, but he tried to collect himself. He knew he should be careful with Chan, considering his mental state. He let out a sigh and approached Chan, kneeling in front of him. “You’re perfectly fine..” He reached his hand out to touch Chan’s face, but then he remembered Chan didn’t really want Felix around at the moment. “Can I touch you?”

“I’m fucking weak.” Chan said, stopping Felix’s hand before it could reach him and just held it with his bandaged hand, feeling his chest so heavy that it was nearly hard to breath. “I failed, I ruined everything. Just… just fucking let me think. Let me think… let me breathe.” He pushed Felix’s hand away and shook his head. “Get the fuck out of here. I … I wanna remember. I have to.”

“I… won’t leave you. I don’t care if you hate me… because I… I’ll stay here and wait until you let me fucking touch you…” Felix looked at the ground and tried to hide his tears. “You were selfish when I didn’t want you near me, so I’m gonna do the exact same thing. I’m gonna sit here and stare at you… cuz I missed you so fucking much.” Felix looked at Chan with his glassy eyes and even though he knew Chan in every state of his broken mind, he had never seen him like that. “I was this close to… crushing myself with the car when I thought we won’t find you… you won’t let me touch you that’s fine, but…” He couldn’t continue because he started crying loudly and Chan was just sitting there staring at him. “You wouldn’t let me cry… before this shit happened. You would have said you’d rather kill yourself than watch me cry…”

“I should have died.” Chan replied bitterly and watched how these tears covered Felix’s pretty face with pain. That type of pain that this boy probably never felt before. To be heartbroken by an asshole who couldn’t protect himself and still promised to protect him. Chan had failed. And he was looking at the damage that he had done. “I … I will be in the other room.” He said and reached out to wipe the tears away with the bandage, but instead of doing something to calm Felix down, Chan just stood up and left the room.

“Chan please don't go. I can't be like you.” Felix begged after Chan. “I can't stay away from you, the way you did when I pushed you away. I'm scared. I'm… Chan, i love you?” Felix kept saying fast, his voice was way too desperate for a person with dignity. 

And Chan was so close to leave before he grabbed the handle of the door and heard that. 

Those words. He could swear that his heart just hurt a little bit more when Felix said that in the shittiest moment of their shared life. He never thought that it would make him feel so confused when he hears it. 

Chan looked back at Felix and for a moment, everything else moved behind Felix. Every pain, every dark thought, every regret or guilt. They were trying to reach Chan, but he had Felix there to fight them. To fight the voices. 

“Say it... “ He mumbled, choking on his own words for a moment. “Say it again.”

Felix got up from the floor so he could look at Chan’s smashed face and probably knock some sense into him with his words. 

“I love you. I'm sorry… I didn't tell you, but you know I do. It's like… I just need you… please don't leave me alone… I'm scared.” Felix said quietly, sniffling in between his words. But he was proud of himself. Maybe Chan would have been proud too, if he told him before they fucked him up. 

The other was staying there, holding that handle as if it had some magical powers that would get him out of this fucking world. It was so hard to fix this. It was so hard to fill the crack that he had in himself. It was so fucking hard to make Felix happy when he couldn’t handle himself that he felt like crying too. 

He shouldn’t have heard these words in a time like that. It hurt more than it fixed him. 

But he hoped that Felix would understand. For now. 

“I’m… I’m here.” He told Felix and felt how his heart raced for a moment. “I love… you. I love you too.”

Felix laughed bitterly. 

“No… you don't…” He looked away from Chan and bit his lip. “You hate me for leaving you there. That's why you act this way…” Felix concluded, putting all the blame on himself. “What do you want me to do? I’ll do anything. Just don't ask me leave you.”

“Just let me think. I need to think.” Chan repeated like crazy, copying that same smile but he completely forgot that he didn’t want to leave the room when he opened the door and stepped outside in the corridor, repeating the same thing. “I’m gonna be okay, I just have to remember.” He said, finding some clothes in the living room, dressing them on without even paying attention. 

He put a hat on and his shoes before he left his home, thinking about Changbin. No, he wouldn’t give him weed, Jisung as well. His father would get a heart attack if he sees him this broken. 

So Chan chose to visit the hooker that he had saved, because she always awarded him with weed for his good care over her family. Yes, that would help him collect his mind and get rid of the pain. Of the voices… and that fucking face that wore the black mask.

***

Felix sat at home for many hours, waiting for Chan to come back, but he didn't. It was so painful to sit there and wait. Chan was weak and the people who were after him weren't the only people who wanted him. Felix was contemplating to follow him at first but he didn't have the willpower to do anything at all. And why would he. Chan hated him now. 

Felix felt regret for the way he acted with Chan in the beginning. How could he be so cruel to Chan and how could Chan fight for him and not give up on him for so long? While Felix couldn't even handle 10 minutes of Chan being cold and detached. He really became weak because of some guy who was even under him when it came to their status. Chan’s family wasn't considered upper class even though they had a lot of money. Felix’s dad had more, and he was smarter that Chan’s dad. Felix had everything while Chan was the one who didn't and had to constantly fight even for his husband’s attention. 

Felix rubbed his forehead realizing how terrible he is and that he doesn't even deserve Chan. Even though Chan is a murderer he had this soft spot for Felix that apparently he doesn't have anymore. 

He was really lost. He didn't know what to do. Chan was his only boyfriend that he ended up marrying and he was never like this to him. It was a new thing to Felix to face that kind of a situation. And he felt like puking. What did he do to be punished like that. 

He thought Chan would be happy to see him when he wakes up. He really wanted Chan to be happy and smile at him. He thought Chan would hug him. But he had to go through the hell of not being able to even look at Chan after so long. 

He did the only thing that came to his mind when he didn't know what to do. He dialed Minho's number. 

He didn't wait for him to say a word, he just started talking when he realized Minho picked up the phone. He knew the other would complain it's late, but Felix really need someone and knowing that someone can't be Chan triggered his sobbing fit again. 

“Chan doesn't want me. He left the house 5 hours ago and he's still not back.” Felix whined into the speaker. “I don't know what to do… I'm so scared.”

“Oh, so it wasn’t a rumor.” Minho said through a sigh. “Apparently Woojin gave Jisung a tracker that he put in Chan’s bandage last night when he visited. The tracker said that Chan is currently in a hooker quarters. He won’t fuck a girl, thats for sure.”

“Oh, shit.” Felix jumped from his seat on the bed. “He's looking for drugs, isn't he?” 

“The closest one to him right now is Changbin. I’m gonna tell him to get Chan out of there. When the fuck did he even wake up? You didn’t tell me, so i told Jisung to fuck off when he said that Chan is… fucking tracking devices, man.” Minho blabbed and quickly recovered. “Take a shower. I promise you that when you get your pretty ass out of there, Chan will be home.”

“Please… just bring him home… I'm really going crazy here. Minho…” Felix clenched his phone and tried to breathe. “He left me after I told him… I told him that I love him… What if he dumps me?”

Minho was quiet for a moment, probably thinking over what Felix just served and then he sighed angrily. “That fucking asshole needs someone to bang his head against the fucking wall. The next thing that will hurt will be his balls when I get rid of them. He is useless anyway, when was the last time that he fucked you good?”

“Is this your advice? I just told you…” Felix squeezed his eyes, way too annoyed to bother with Minho's bullshit. “I… don't want to be the reason why he… oh fuck this. I just want him back.” 

“I knew that you love that motherfucker from the moment when you two cried on my carpet. I should have killed him there, that weak idiot. Listen, it’s just trauma. I spoke a lot with Changbin about it, he said that the hell will be over when the wounds are gone. Just calm down, Chan isn’t going anywhere, baby. I will send him back to you, I pomise” The other tried to sound calm and composed, but his voice was shaking nervously. “I guess in such moment i’m supposed to tell you to hold on, but we are both weak in such shit talking. Just keep your boy, thats all that matters.”

“Yeah, whatever… Good night.” Felix said, and hung up. As always he never waited to get a reply. He waited when he was talking to Chan. He did so much shit for Chan he hadn't done for anyone else he wanted to stab himself for how stupid he was around Chan. Fortunately, Chan was even more stupid and Felix didn't look as ridiculous, but now Chan wasn't there. Amd Felix was just stupid on his own. 

Felix had this dreadful feeling bugging him for the next 40 minutes. He was lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling. It was unbelievable how slow the time was passing when he was impatiently waiting for Chan to be back. 

He heard the front door when he was thinking about where could Changbin and Chan be at that particular moment and he contemplated getting up and meeting Chan at the door or pretend to be asleep. He just stayed there. 

And then Chan showed up on the doorway, looking pretty much like he did 3 years ago when they had nothing really going on between each other. The baggy clothes, the hat that covered half of his face and the broken face had to really remind Felix of that Chan who was chasing after him, appearing at the same places that he was, showing out of nowhere to talk shit to Felix. 

But just this time when he took the hat off, his eyes looked at Felix in the familiar tired way that they used to when he was high as fuck. His eyes were red, focused on Felix as he was walking towards him, giving him a careful smile. 

“Hey.” He said, as if that would excuse his stupid actions. But he looked better than he was when he left the apartment and he approached Felix, sitting down close to him. “I…. Changbin said that I got you… worried. I’m sorry.”

“I was worried when you left?” Felix sat up, his face showed the boiling up anger in his core. “Are you high?” 

“Yes. I had to. I couldn’t fucking stop… I couldn't stop thinking.” Chan bit his bottom lip and put his hands down on his lap, looking like a grounded kid in front of the angry parent. But a lot had happened there when Chan visited the hooker. She didn’t just give him good weed, but also fed him with pot brownies, and the mixture of that pushed him in such a calm daze that he lost track of time. He spoke to her, told her everything that he couldn’t tell anyone and tried to find answers for himself. But he knew that he had failed Felix one more time when he got an angry call from Changbin who literally dragged him from there to his home and dissed him. And now, Chan remembered that he just left Felix alone, left him after everything that Felix did for him. And the guilt got even heavier. 

“I’m so sorry, Felix. I had to stop thinking.” He excused himself, looking down at the fucking bandages with such hatred that it made him laugh. “I gave up to the fear. I gave up on you because I was a coward. I remember now. I couldn’t stand the torture and I gave up on you. I wanted to die, Felix. You … you don’t need a fucking coward like me.”

Felix stared at Chan. What he felt was pure shock. This guy wasn't the Chan who chased after him until he got him in his trap. This wasn't Felix's Chan. 

“I…” Felix tried to say something comforting to Chan, but he felt offended in a way. “If you had died… What the fuck Chan. What was I supposed to do?” Felix said angrily and squeezed the sheet he was sitting on in his hand. “This is so fucked up of you to say…”

“You saved me.” Chan said and for the first time since he woke up he actually approached Felix, bringing their faces together as he rested his forehead against Felix’s one and the close distance made his cold heart beat just a bit faster. “You fought my fears for me. But I … I won’t be able to look at it, Felix, I … look at my fucking arm baby..” He started breaking down again, taking one of Felix’s hands to hold it with his damaged one. “I can’t stop thinking about it. I know that it doesn’t fucking make sense, but its killing me. It's like being possessed by the devil … it's like…  It's...”

“No. It will be okay.” Felix whispered. “You can always get a tattoo of my face on your arm.” Felix smiled at Chan and closed his eyes. “Can you hug me or something... I promise you'll feel better and you won't think about it once you let me treat you properly.” 

Chan nodded and bit his bottom lip, biting away the tears that threatened to leave his eyes when he heard his lover’s voice saying all of that even when Chan fucking left him alone. He left Felix, even after he begged him to stay, even after he saved his life for a better future. Felix came back for him and Chan was fucking ungrateful, thinking about his weaknesses, when he had to think about Felix. 

Felix was all that he had and God gave him a second chance to live. To exist where Felix existed and be with him until someone really takes their lives and separates them forever. 

Death was scarier than Chan thought. Facing death taught him a lesson. 

How to value the important things in his life. 

How to value the love that Felix had for him. The love that he carelessly neglected. 

He pulled back a little and caught Felix’s face in his hands, sensing how the ice started to melt, just because he knew that he was home. Safe. 

“I love you, okay? I might be… I might be fucking weird now, but I won’t ever leave you, do you hear me? Just fucking put a gun in my hand and I can rule again, baby. I can shine for you.” He said and leaned in to kiss Felix, doing it hard and desperate as if it was their first kiss.

Felix pulled away first to take a look at Chan, but this time Chan wasn't pushing him away and Felix could swear his heart would burst of happiness and he felt stupid. 

“You've always been weird. You always got hurt during your missions and I wanted to treat you, so I was sure it was done properly. You went through so much shit, your brain got fucked, but I wanted to be there for you so you don't have to do drugs all the fucking time…” Felix started telling Chan, but the other seemed confused by Felix's sudden rant. “You know you got me the first night we fucked. I just thought you’re too fucking pretty to die because you got involved with me, but I guess you were too insistent… and I was too stubborn. But I loved you. All this time.” 

Chan’s heart melted down with these last words and for a second there he got lost in Felix’s eyes. The look there wasn’t as hurt anymore. He could finally recognize all the sparkles there, all these things that he couldn’t understand before. 

Everything about Felix was precious, but his damn eyes were what kept Chan’s sanity in his hardest times. These damn eyes that got him so hooked up. 

“I always….” He picked up Felix’s hand that had his ring and kissed it, giving him a bitter smile. “I always think about it. But I was never sure. Now I know. How much you suffer because of me. You must really fucking love me. God, you are … you are mine.” He said and leaned in for another kiss, repeating the same thing over and over again as if he wanted to heal Felix’s wound. “Mine…. Mine… mine.”

“I'm glad you're back to your old annoying self. I really missed you. And you made me cry. You need to redeem yourself…” Felix pouted, knowing that now he could work Chan the way he wanted now. 

“I will. I’m gonna do all the disgusting things that you say that you hate, but you fucking love.” Chan said and attacked the other with himself, laying on top of him to just crush him with his body weight and hug him as if its been too fucking long since he last did that. And it really was. 

“Oh… I don't have to lie about anything anymore. I could seriously die right now… I wouldn't mind, as long as you don't tell me to “fucking get out”. Felix frowned. 

“I’m sorry baby.” Chan buried his face in Felix’s neck and inhaled from his sweet scent, finally feeling home. “Just… just give me time. I promise you. I’m gonna be okay…. Just promise me, too. Promise me that you will collect me back when I break down. When the bandages are gone, promise me to be there one last time. I might be a dick, I might be scared and crazy. If you’re with me, I can handle it. For you, baby, I’m gonna be okay.”

“You don't have to ask.” Felix's small hand reached up to Chan's hair and he started patting him. “You know I'll always take care of you… I mean, you're stuck with me now that you pushed down all of my walls.” 

  
  
  


“Felix…. When I was there, I looked at my ring.” Chan said thoughtfully and left a kiss against Felix’s neck, deciding to ask him one more time the only thing that Felix had never shared with him. “ _ C’est lui que mon coeur a choisi.  _ What does it mean? That thing on my ring”

“You seriously didn't try to google it or something?” Felix smiled at how naive Chan could be at times. “It means “ _ He's the one my heart chose.” _

Chan smiled, praising Felix with a light bite, but he pulled back to look at him and this time he could swear that he saw his entire world in Felix’s deep eyes, staring up at him like he was his only hope. No matter how damaged he was, how wounded and ugly, Felix was looking at him the same way that he looked at him before. Before all the shit, all the drama. All the pain. 

  
  


“Your heart…” He said and smiled, shaking his head lightly. “Do you even have one, my little devil?”

“Everyone has a heart shithead. Don't play smart or I'll take it back.” Felix pouted. “You literally have my heart now. So be careful.” Felix said, but then he started making gagging sounds. “I don't know how you manage to say all that shit without feeling like puking.”

“I can do that all night, baby.” Chan said and grinned, forgetting all of his worries for a moment as if they lost their meaning in front of the power of Felix’s smile. 

He discovered that he was just stupid to forget about what he had in his home. He forgot about that strong boy who owned his life and promised to protect it with his own. In good or bad, Felix swore to him and kept his promise. He brought Chan back to life two times and he would keep doing it, because he was the stronger one of them all this time. 

His Felix, who would protect him with his own life and who finally said these three words after 3 long years of giving hints. 

He finally made one step forward and it was Chan’s time to follow. 

To follow him until the end. 

“I love you, always, okay? Even if i go crazy, I will still love you.” He made another vow now, sealing it with a deep kiss that he pressed against his lover’s soft lips. 

“I know.” Felix grinned. “I mean, I hope so… but, even if you don't, I will.” Felix pulled Chan closer and whispered right against his lips. “Since I'm the stronger one, you know I love you more.” But he pulled away right after that and turned his head to the side “Excuse me while I'm puking…”

“You are excused, my love.” Chan replied and attacked him with kisses again, this time making both of them laugh as he tickled Felix on his weakest spots, receiving several hits when Felix almost forgot about his wounds. 

It didn’t seem to matter, because Chan got his boy there, his reason to move on, his Lee Felix. 

And whoever tried to bring them down again…. Well, they would deal with him as well. 

  
  


END. 

  
  


* * *

The second part of this journey is over now !  
I hope that you had fun reading this and i don't know if i should change tags again for this chapter but violence is tagged, right? xD  
And at last they are happy and recovering! Thanks for the support and the lovely comments!  
Don't forget to leave some feedback here as well <3 Thank you ^^


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